Wednesday, January 27, 2010


Hope is a messed up thing. You sit there and know that hope is all you have, and that even then, you don’t know if hope is even enough. You try not to get your hopes up because you know its unrealistic, and you know you’re going to be devastated (there’s that word again!) when things don’t go as you hope they do.

Hope is defined by as being both a verb and a noun. Verb "hope" means 1] to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence. 2] To believe, desire, or trust. Noun "hope" means 1] the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. 2] Grounds for this feeling in a particular instance. 3] Something that is hoped for.

Now, this feeling of ours. Hope. It's a tease really. You sit there and you think, "He'll call me", or "This fight will end soon", and what you're really doing is telling yourself something that yes, stops you from bawling your eyes out like the hoover dam just broke, but you're lying to yourself. Lying by default, since you don't really know what the outcome will be anyways.

What about hopes and dreams? Me? I hope to be a novelist someday. I hope that certain things turn out "okay" in the end. And I'm sitting here telling myself, "If it's not okay, it's not the end." And I can't tell if that's some sick mantra I've been taught to say to keep my mind from exploding from all the emotional pressure, or if it's the truth. It's something I hope will be correct. But then again, there are different types of endings too. So that's a whole other can of worms that... maybe one day I'll open.

Hope. Hope is supposed to be something that gets you by in trouble times. Hope is also a synonym of trust. Trust. Ha. So when you hope for something you "trust" that it will happen. What if that "trust" is broken? What if what you think will happen doesn't happen at all? Then you're sitting there empty handed saying, "Gee, thanks a lot "hope!""

Not to say that Trust and Hope are entirely related, but they are sort of similar. Me? I have trust issue. Does that mean I have Hope issues too? Because I'm pretty sure that my heart is overflowing with all sorts of hope right now. Hope for the future. Hope for today. Hope for right now. Hope that you're reading this. Hope that you wont forget me. Hope that I'll stay with you. Hope that you'll come back again.

In the end though? All I have is hope until I see what happens next. So give me a little hope people. What are your thoughts?

Monday, January 25, 2010


You know what? Today's word is hate. Hate is something so frequently said, I'd actually reference the previous blog about the word "forever", and say it falls in the same category. defines hate as a verb meaning 1] to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest, 2] to be unwilling; dislike. It is also a noun that means the same thing.

Hate. You probably say it without even thinking about it. "I hate this dress", " I hate the way my boyfriend treats me", "I hate the way he talks", "I hate my professor", hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. It's all around us. "I hate this war", "I hate the people who performed 9/11".

Hate. It even sounds good. Hate. It's a harsh word that just bites at you. You hear "hate" and even if you don't know what it means, I think you'd know that it wasn't something good. Hate. It rolls off the tongu. Hate. You hate things you don't know, you hate things you haven't tried in a long time.

Me? I hate peas. They're nasty. I like them raw, I like them in the pod, and I like wasabi peas, but I hate cooked peas. They're nasty to me. They taste like vomit. I haven't eaten peas since I was probably around five or six years old. I don't really know if I still hate them or if I just hate them with my five or six year old memory of hating them.

Hate. When you hate something, do you really mean you HATE it? Or do you just mean that you don't particularly care for it? Today, it was raining. I walked through a small river/ocean to get to class. My shoes filled with puddles and I was a sewer rat. It was bad, no joke. I got to class and sat down and said to the girl next to me, "I hate the rain." But it's not true. I don't hate the rain. I actually like rain. Warm rain in the summer is my favorite. Rain gives life to all we know on earth. Without rain... everything as we know it would die. Life would cease to exist. I don't hate the rain. I don't even hate being caught in it. I disliked having to walk to class in it. I disliked not having proper footwear, and I definitly disliked the fact that I had to sit in class smelling like a wet dog for two hours, but I don't hate the rain.

Hate. It's a great word. I love the word hate. But remember. Hate is easy. Love takes courage.

Sunday, January 24, 2010


What does it mean to "have heart?" Every person has a heart. How come our emotions are symbolized by the heart, and not the brain, which is in fact where are emotions are controlled and stored? Why don't we say I [insert brain image here] NY? Or whatever/whoever it is that you :heart:? The heart is actually just a muscle in our bodies hat pumps blood through the rest of our system. So why does IT symbolize all that we love?

Heart is defined by as a noun. 1] Anatomy. a hollow, pump like organ of blood circulation, composed mainly of rhythmically contractile smooth muscle, located in the chest between the lungs and slightly to the left and consisting of four chambers: a right atrium that receives blood returning from the body via the superior and inferior vena cavae, a right ventricle that pumps the blood through the pulmonary artery to the lungs for oxygenation, a left atrium that receives the oxygenated blood via the pulmonary veins and passes it through the mitral valve, and a left ventricle that pumps the oxygenated blood, via the aorta, throughout the body.2]the center of the total personality, esp. with reference to intuition, feeling, or emotion. 3] the center of emotion, esp. as contrasted to the head as the center of the intellect. 4] spirit, courage, or enthusiasm, There are more, but these are just a few that I feel are the essential ones to know, since we're all aware of what a heart ( <3 ) is shaped like.

When I write, I put all my heart into it. I said that the other day, and I found myself contemplating what I said. Really, my heart had nothing to do with what I was writing. The story came from an idea, and ideas are in my brain. Not my heart. So do I put all my brain into my writing? Somehow that just doesn't sound appealing, even if it is true.

What about when someone "loses heart?" You can't really lose your heart. If you do, you die. Losing heart means that you've lost the will/spirit to do something. Recently, someone I know quit a group. Then, yesterday, the individual in question came back and said that he'd be willing to participate if he was still wanted. Now this next part hasn't happened yet, but I'm pretty sure it will happen. The group in question said that they don't mess around, and that the individual who quit had "lost heart" and that they didn't need that. They'd found someone new, and it was his loss.

What about me? I stop writing many stories in the beginning for one reason or another. Does that mean that I've "lost heart" for what I'm passionate about? I doubt it. I think that I just had an idea, and wrote it down, but didn't fully think it through. And that relates back to the individual who quit the group. What if he just didn't think leaving the group through? What if he realized he did want it and he just messed up. We've been over it a few times already, "To err is human."

How in the world is it that the heart ended up representing romance? The iconic heart is a cute shape that does not in the least resemble the actual organ. How did the heart (organ and icon) represent love? I would assume that love is something that is felt, and as I said earlier, the brain is in control of our emotions. Not the heart, icon or organ. I mean sure, when I snuggle with my boyfriend and he kisses me I can feel my heart race. But all that is, is a physical reaction to something my brain does. It would be the same if I had just sprinted 100 yards. says that the heart is the center of emotion. I've never been lied to but the dictionary before. The heart is not the center of emotion. A portion of the brain called the Prefrontal Cortex, or even the Deep Limbic System, which is where all our previous emotions are stored. Once again, the heart is an organ that pumps blood through our bodies. Yes, it can react to our emotions, but it is not the center, and it does not control them.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


So I'd like to take a moment to say that I'm back at school for the spring semester, and I'm going to continue to update this as often as I am able to. My goal is, if I can't manage it every day, I have to update it at least four times during the week.

And now back to the daily broadcast.

Lies. Liars. Truth and lies. Lies are defined as a noun with four possible meanings. 1] a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood. 2] something intended or serving to convey a false impression; imposture 3] an inaccurate or false statement. 4] the charge or accusation of lying.

There are different degrees of lying. There is lying by omission, meaning when you tell someone something and then leave something out. There is a "white-lie", which is supposedly a small, harmless lie. There is blatent lying, where you lie through your teeth and you know they know that you're lying.

What determines a lie? Better yet, what determines the truth? Two people witness a crime. One says the man was wearing a red shirt and driving a blue car, the other says he was wearing a blue shirt and driving a red car when in fact, the man was wearing a white shirt, and red ball cap and driving a blue car. Were they lying by omission, because neither of them mentioned the ball cap? Were they telling a white lie because they simply mixed up the colors in a stressful situation? Or were they telling the truth because each individual truley believed that they described the suspect in full and accurate detail?

When you lie by omission, do you really lie at all? What if there was no specific questioned asked to prod you to answer the small, omnicient detail? Does that mean that technically, under those specifications, you're not lying at all? Or is that stretching to truth too far to still be considered the truth?

How is it determined. You tell a story to a friend. Something that happened last week, and as you tell it, you exagerate a few small details. Your boyfriend didn't really ignore you all night, he was just busy. And just becuase he was texting some girl didn't mean he was being sleezy behind your back, but when you tell the story, you make it seem like you're so sure that he is. Is it lying? Is it individual interpretation of events?

Lying is tricky business. Each lie you tell is another chance to get caught up in the truth. Why lie at all? Is it fun? Is the lie really better than the truth? Does it really keep you out of trouble?

What about those little white lies? Are they really harmless? Does a certain number of white lies equal a big lie? Are there degrees of white lies? You go to the hair dresser. She asks how your home life is. You tell her it's wonderful, and gush about how sweet your boyfriend is. In reality, your boyfriend ditched you last night to play fantasy football with his friends, and didn't call you to even tell you. Then you go to the store and try and buy a new jacket. Your credit card is denied. You realize you're broke but out loud you say, "Oh! This must be the old card I cancelled last week!" You're saving face in both circumstances, but you're lying. Does that make you good or bad?

Does good and bad even factor in? Picture this. You're a mother. Your husband has left you long ago to raise your only child. A son. He's fifteen now, and being teased horribly in school. He tells you how upset he is and that he wants to kill them for being so mean. And then he does. You're on trial. What do you do? To you try and save your son even though you know he committed the crimes in a premeditated fashion? If you tell the truth and tell the jury your son told you he wanted to kill them, you sentence your son to life in prison. If you lie, you may save him from the horrors of jail. You can be a good mother, or a good person; A bad mother, and a bad person. What do you do? What kind of lie is it? Does it matter at that point?

Lies... oh the tangled web we weave. What kind of web will you weave? Will you weave one at all?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


Sorry, I've been absent so long! First my computer was taken into the store to get fixed... it kept shutting off on me randomly, and then I was on a ski trip with my father and brother. I got home Saturday night, but my computer was still MIA, and I had to wait until yesterday to get it back. But now I'm packing to go back to school for the spring semester and I found that typing and packing don't really work to well together. So I picked a fun word that I wouldn't have to think much about since I've already had this conversation.

This is a fun one. More than a few summers ago(as time reference, I was still in high school), I was sitting on the beach with a few of my friends, and we ended up using this word to describe a particularly handsome male specimen playing frisbee. Since then, I've both loved the word and used it frequently. And then it popped up in a song, and I was flaberghasted. ["D, to the E to the L-I-C-I-O-U-S, girl you tastey!"] defines "delicious" as both an adjective or a noun. The noun refers to the type of apple, while the adjectives btoh refer to our senses. 1] highly pleasing to the senses, esp. to taste or smell: a delicious dinner; a delicious aroma2] very pleasing; delightful: a delicious sense of humor.

We normally use delicious in a sentence such as, "Wow! This cake is delicious!", or "I bet my kitties think that those fish would be delicious." But can something be delicious sounding? Personally, I think that something can sound delicious, as much as something can look delicious. For instance, I think that when my boyfriend sings/screams he looks delicious, but my senses go into overload because he also sounds delicious. Not, "nom, nom, I'm going to eat you now" delicious, but "wow he's talented and looks great doing it" delicious. My best friend is deliciously good at video games, and her button mashing skills border on the supernatural.

I wonder if i'm using the word properly by adding it's meaning to the other senses? Even if I'm not, I think it should be okay, the second definition was infact something that is very pleasing or delightful. Those things are pleasing to the ears and the eyes. [Well the singing/screaming part might not be, but that's your own particular taste in music. I wont hate on yours if you don't hate on mine.]

That day on the beach, we actually had this conversation where we defined delicious in it's traditional sence and then redefined it in the highly amusing way in which we had used it. The man became delicious. The dress became delicious. The sun streaming down through the cloudless blue sky became delicious. The word carried on for months between us. We would be shopping and showing eachother what we were trying on and if it was good, it was "Darling-- you look delicious" or "Those shoes look delicious on you!" We went to the zoo, and the animals we liked were delicious to us. Me? I was a fan of this really oddly colored giraffe. He was delicious to my eyes. (in my defence, the giraffe looked like he ODed on tanning. While the others were yellowish, this guy was kinda dark brown with black spots)

Delicious was no longer a word to describe the way something just tasted, or smelled. It was a word that, when used properly, covered all of the human senses with a wonderfully descriptive word. You hear someone say something is "delicious" and you don't think "Ew that's gross!" You automatically think "Oh yeah? I'm going to get me some of that!"

In conclusion, I hope that the next time you use delicious, you aren't just talking about pie. [To be honest, I hope you're thinking to yourself, "Wow! This chick's got delicious writing! I'm jsut eating it up!"]

Thursday, January 14, 2010


These two go hand in hand, and back to back. Good or bad, Love and lust are two things that mirror eachother. Hell they're practically identical twins, save the severe personality difference. They look like one another, they act like one another, but when they open they're mouths, they're completely different. But totally inseperable.

And as a side note, I think it's funny that I'm about to define love by the dictionary.

Well. Between noun form, verb form and idioms, "love" has nearly thirty possible definitions. "Lust" on the other hand, has just seven, which I find mildly appropriate as lust is one of the seven deadly sins. Some of the definitions of "love" are 1] a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; 2] a feeling of warm personal attatchment or deep affection as for a parent, child, or friend; 3] a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person, sweetheart; 4] strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything; 5] sexual passion or desire.

As for "lust", the definitions are all very much the same. 1] intense sexual desire or appetite; 2] a passionate or overmastering desire or craving; 3] uncontrolled or illicit sexual desire or appetite; lecherousness.

To be honest, there is a thin line between love and lust. Sometimes they go hand in hand. More often than not, these two like to masquerade as one another. A relationship, at least the ideal ones, are the ones that have both. You have that tender, passionate "love" for someone, while you still feel that intense sexual desire that is "lust." You love the person's smile, and the way they get dressed in the morning. You love the way their forehead wrinkles when they think too hard, and the way their hand feels in yours. You love the memories and the plans. You can't wait to see them again, to see them well, and happy everyday. You love what makes them happy because it makes them happy. And underneath, you find them undeniably attractive, body and soul. You want their hands on you, their lips on yours and the feel of their body next to you.

But what happens when lust impersonates love? With lust, there is an intense attraction and sexual desire. Sounds a lot like love, doesn't it? Looks like it, feels like it, but isn't really it. How do you tell the difference? The answer? You don't. You fall deeper and deeper into this lustful state and continue to delude yourself into thinking that the shallow impersonation of love is actually the real thing. Only until you experience real love do you realise the difference between the two. Love is unconditional. Lust? You'll fight over something that you didn't even know what bothering you before you realise it's just not right. By the end of the conversation, the realization has hit you in the face like a ton of bricks. This isn't what love is like. And then you end it. Or you don't and you suffer through more fights like the first until you finally do.

Can love masquerade as lust? Really? I'm not sure. I can imagine someone being oblivious of the fact that they're in love, but really thinking about it, I can't picture someone feeling such a strong emotion as love and thinking it nothing more than hardened lust. It doesn't make sense to me. Has anyone out there experienced this? Know someone who has?

In the end, love is to lust as heads is to tails. Two sides of the same coin, but both sides of the coin are neccessary to make a purchase.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


We say it without thinking. We hear it all the time. It’s in the movies, it’s in music and it’s in the books we read. “Jesus Christ! Cathy takes forever to get ready!” “Oh you guys! I just met the most perfect man! I’ll love him forever!” “Ugh… that class lasted forever!” “I was doing homework for forever last night; I never thought it would end.”

According to, “forever” is both a noun and an adverb. Noun “forever” is defined as "an endless or seemingly endless period of time." Adverb “forever” has two meanings; 1] Without ever ending; eternally and 2] Continually; incessantly; always. The website also has the idiom, “Forever and a day”.

Once again, I’ve broken out my trusty, not-so-rusty, Webster’s Thesaurus and turned to page two hundred and ninety-six. “Forever: 1. [For all time] – everlastingly, permanently, until the Day of Judgment or the end of time or Doomsday, perpetually, always, evermore, saecula saeculorum (Latin), eternally, unchangingly, for keeps, till hell freezes over, from the cradle to the grave, for life, for always,” and there are more. I just picked my favorites.

Forever is one of those words that people shouldn’t use without fully realizing what it is that they’re saying. Forever isn’t the ten minutes longer it takes Cathy to get ready. Forever isn’t a word that means “until we feel like ending it.” Forever is a word that really does mean FOR EVER. There is no end. There will never be an end. It will continue to go on and on and on… and you get the point.

Forever. Oh Forever. You are a complicated word at best, and at worst you raise hopes and then dash them against the pavement and watch their brains ooze out. When you get married, you promise forever to your spouse. But how many marriages end in divorce these days? Too many. Is forever really a word that we as humans should be able to use? I feel like forever is a word that indicates more than we are able to comprehend.

Forever. Forever goes beyond the limits of human capacity. Forever goes beyond the limits of time. When the sun explodes in however many million years and engulfs the earth in a fiery rage, forever will still continue. When Judgement Day comes and whatever is supposed to happen happens, forever will still exist. Forever exists beyond what we understand. The universe goes on forever. Can you really make that wonderful romantic claim that you will love someone forever? What about that remark that Cathy takes forever to get ready? Class doesn't last forever, it lasts an hour and some odd. Forever lasts forever.

I'm a romantic. I can't help it. I was raised on Disney movies and the notion that every girl will get a handsome prince and a fairy tale ending. Ever since I was little I craved for a man to tell me he would love me forever. I sighed and swooned as I read it, watched it in the movies and on TV. And then as I grew up I realized what a sham that was. Forever isn't something that can be promised by human lips. It's something that happens when two souls find each other and match. It's something I would attribute to a Divine Grace of whatever divinity you worship, if any.

Forever is not just a word. Forever is a promise. And one you shouldn't make without fully comprehending how long an eternity is.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


Today's word is based on a whim I had when I awoke in tears from a horrifying dream. I thought to myself, "it was just a dream- a nightmare more like, but still just a dream. This is reality and things are different here."

"Reality" is defined on as being 1] the state or quality of being real. 2] a real thing or fact. 3] Philosophy a. something that exists independently of ideas concerning it. b. something that exists independently of all other things and from which all other things derive. 4] something that constitutes a real or actual thing, as distinguished from something that is merely apparent.

While reading these definitions I was struck with an idea. I live in "reality". I dreamed my dream inside of this "reality". Doesn't that make my dream part of the reality? I mean, really, it did happen. But it was inside my head, and no one else saw it. Does that mean that it didn't really happen? (The dream itself, not what happened in the dream) According to the third definition of "reality", starting with philosophy, yes. My dream did not exist independently of all other things. My dream only occurred because I dreamed it in the first place.

But what happens when dreams come true? How does that fit into the definition of reality? It's rare, but it's happened before. I've had a dream about something and then it actually happened. For example, this one time, I was probably seven or eight... maybe nine years old. My whole street was planning this giant yard sale. In the dream I had, I was with a friend of mine, a girl who lived down the road from me, and we were watching the yard sale from inside her house. It was kinda foggy feeling, and I felt like I couldn't really see what was going on, but I could see enough to know that two boys from a few streets up the hill had come down to check things out. They had ridden down on their bikes. They stopped at the driveway that lead to the house that we were inside, and they made a purchase from my friend's older brother. Two basketball jerseys. They pulled them on over their heads and t-shirts and rode away. Now a week later, the tag sale happened. I wasn't surprised. We'd all known about it for months. And then the strangest thing happened. I was sitting in the living room of my friends house, it was really hot outside and we had gone in to get a drink. And I looked out her window through lace curtains. And I watched as my dream played out in front of me. I must have looked strange because the girl asked me what was wrong. I pointed to what was happening and she just looked at me. When I explained what I had dreamed about, she called me psychic.

Now, I don't know if I'm a psychic. But I do know that I dreamed about something and then it happened, breaking the third definition of "reality". My dream existed because I dreamed it, and then in reality, it happened anyways. Does that mean that I willed it to happen? Or that I really was predicting a small portion of the future? How does that fit into the definition of reality? It doesn't. The Laws of reality say that it shouldn't have happened. But it did...

What about incidents where some little girl is kidnapped and they bring in a psychic to help find her? What about that fortune teller at the fair who knew that your significant other had blue eyes? Honestly, I'm not sure that reality is as definitive as we want it to be.

Now, I'm not saying that the dream I had today is going to come true. Technically, it can't. Things that existed in my dream just aren't that way in reality. But what if the things that couldn't be were a symbol of what is going to happen anyways? I dreamed that someone that I trust with something very precious was related to-- directly related to-- someone who I had dated a long time ago. The individual whom I had dated-- well he didn't word out. He was under the impression that while I wasn't around he could do whatever he wanted with other girls without consequences. He thought he could keep it hidden from me. Now, the individual who was related to him in the dream-- that's not possible. The two are not related. They're not even remotely alike in any way, shape or form. But what if?

I suppose that's how reality is. It's a thing that exists with ideas of what could happen. Lot's of "what if's" are floating around until one of those "what if's" becomes a reality. Someone once thought "I will make something that will connect everyone who has one in the world together in minutes." That "what-if" became a reality with computers and the Internet. Same goes for cars, trains, guns-- anything really. Flying cars are a "what-if". Twenty, thirty years from now, will they still be a "what if" or will the be part of our constantly evolving reality?

Monday, January 11, 2010


Today's word is something that I feel is very hard to do. Very hard to ask for. And even once all has been said and done . . . have you really been "forgiven"? defines "Forgiveness" as a noun with two possible meanings. 1] The act of forgiving; the state of being forgiven and 2] disposition or willingness to forgive.

Alexander Pope said that "To err is human, to forgive, divine." I find truth in his words. For me being asked to be forgiven for something I've done has always been a bit of a struggle. I would fight with someone over something and then something would happen and I would realize I was wrong. I would admit that I was wrong, I had no problem doing so, but the part that followed was something I had to swallow my pride to do. And that was difficult.

To apologize and ask to be forgiven... I've always thought that you're never truly forgiven. That even after they say "It's okay" that the incident, the words, the-- whatever may have happened will get thrown back in your face to prove that you messed up-- like the person who "forgave" you never screwed up in their life. I only think so because it's happened. Intentionally, not intentionally, it makes no difference. I think that when you say you forgive someone, you have to let go what they did. Don't bring it up again, don't smack them in the face with it. Especially if it's a serious matter. I too, am guilty of "forgiving" and then bringing up the past. Out of spite, as a joke... I've done it. And sometime it went over well, other times the person in question was highly offended that I had brought it up.

And what about when to forgive? Do you forgive the drunk driver who killed your best friend? Do you forgive the man who ran over your cat? Do you forgive your mother when she's divorcing your father? Do you forgive the boyfriend who cheated on you? What about the friend who betrayed your trust, lied to you, and about you? Forgiveness is something that is hard to do, as well as to ask for. You can say that you "forgive", but do you really? If the wound is severe enough and every time you think of the person, your insides fill with hate; Have you really forgiven them? Or did you just say you did to look like the gracious person who has the ability to do so?

See, there's the problem right there. Someone hurt me very badly. It wasn't too recently, and because of what they did, my life actually ended up in a better place than I was before. It was a strange twist of fate. One of the girls recently tried to apologise to me. Not because she was really and truly sorry for what she'd done to me and put me through, but for the good of her own conscience. She admitted that what she'd done was wrong, and here, I actually did consider forgiving her. I would never let her back into my life again the way I had -- no, I'm too smart for that and she'd already shown me her true character.

But I wanted to know if she could admit to the actual deeds she'd committed, instead of just saying that she was wrong. I asked her what it was that she was sorry for. She turned the tables on me and tried to tell me that I was at fault too, and at least she could admit when she was wrong. Now, I'm a pretty honest person, and admitting I'm wrong isn't a problem with me. It happens to often for me to think that I'm always right. But unless there's something I did that I'm not aware of, I did nothing wrong to this girl. I was a friend and more, and she turned her back on me to gain popularity with a group of people that I had introduced her to. I told her in short, to shove her apology where the sun don't shine. Her apology wasn't sincere. She couldn't admit to lying about me to people who I'd thought were my friends, so I couldn't-- no, I wouldn't forgive her. She doesn't deserve to have a clean conscience, and thus, I will not forgive her. Am I wrong? I might be. But I am not divine. I am human. And forgiveness for that is not something in my power to give.

I do not look like a gracious person. In fact, I look like quite the opposite. I look like someone who can't get over the past. Truth is, I really don't care about what they did to me anymore. For a while, I did. I dwelt on it, and I hated them. Even though my life had taken a drastic turn for the better, I couldn't get over what they'd done to me. I didn't want them to think that they had actually bettered my life instead of hurting me like they had intended. They didn't deserve that sort of justice to their actions. I still think that they don't, but for other reasons. If they could admit to what they'd done, in specifics, I would forgive them. To me, that would mean that they had actually realized what it was that was wrong, instead of just trying to clean their plate.

To truly ask for forgiveness is to admit to your wrong doings. It's like that in confession. You sit and talk to a priest and you tell him everything you've done wrong. Then he tells you that God forgives you. End of story. God is gracious. All he asks is that you tell him what you did. At this point in time, I would be to. If only they would tell me what they did to me. Really realize the horrors of what they'd done.

To truly forgive is to accept that someone hurt you, and has realized what they'd done and asked to be pardoned. To forgive them is more than just a word that consoles the matter. To really forgive is an action that you have to decide you want to do. From the heart. You really do have to be okay with whatever has been done to you. You as the forgiver have to find it within yourself to put behind you what has/had been done. There is a reason they say "Forgive and Forget."

Sunday, January 10, 2010


"Devastation" is a noun with two definitions. 1] The act of devastating, destruction, and 2] Devastated state; desolation. Displayed on the same page as devastation is the verb "devastate," which also has two meaning. 1] To lay waste, destroy, 2] To overwhelm, confound, stun.

Both words hold a massive connotation to today's society. The word barely ripples in the pool of my soul and I think of the tragedies that we have suffered. The attacks on the Twin Towers, Hurricane Katrina, the Tsunami of 2oo4 that killed over 230,000 people. And those are just a few of the major ones. What about the Boston Red Sox fans that were devastated when their prized team didn't even make it to the World Series of 2oo9? What about the Philly's fans that were so sure they were going to win it? And even smaller than that. What about the man who was just diagnosed with AIDS? What about the father who just buried his mother? What about the girl who just found out her boyfriend is cheating on her? What about the boy who just got rejected from his first choice college? What about the woman who didn't get pregnant again? Devastation it seems, takes many forms.

I am sure that everyone who has the capabilities to read this blog has been devastated at sometime or another in their life. Me? I was devastated when my so-called "friends" betrayed me. I was devastated when my dog, a beautiful golden retriever named Logan, was diagnosed with cancer, and to save him, we had to have a very expensive surgery performed. I had just gotten into college, and my family couldn't afford it. To save the beloved dog from months of pain and suffering, we had him put to sleep. I was devastated, and worse, I believed it to be my fault. I was devastated when my first boyfriend and I broke up. I was devastated when my second boyfriend and I broke up. But these were all small devastation's (more like disappointments in retrospect) and eventually I got over them, but at the time, my heart felt like it would never be whole again.

I have a friend, who was let down by their friends. The individual in question, is devastated. They are all still friends, but that doesn't help the disappointment of expecting certain people do do certain things and then having them fall through. Without warning, devastation can strike. I actually just got off the phone with another friend of mine, who informed me that yesterday, they were involved in a terrible car accident. The friend in question, is fine but the others involved in the car accident are not fine by any means. I was told that as the accident happened, my friend happened to glance into the car of the person who caused the accident (the car in front of my friend swerved into the lane of oncoming traffic), and literally saw the individuals eyes roll into the back of their head. My friend found out later that the person that they observed fainting or whatever it may have been, died in the hospital. I was told that it was a boy. Not a man, but a boy. He will have to be buried by his parents. That is devastation right there. And the saddest part is, things like that happen every day and go unnoticed by people who aren't involved directly. How many times have you been sitting in your car and been passed by a funeral procession? Do you ever stop to think how that person died?

Death, I think, is the ultimate devastator. No one knows what happens after you die. No one can truly say for sure. Yes, we all have our opinions, heaven, hell, purgatory, nothing-- but the truth is, no one knows. There is nothing as dividing as death, and the devastation it leaves in it's wake has an invisible ripple effect that I feel, goes farther than people acknowledge. I don't know the boy who died in that car accident, but I feel for him. I feel sad for him, and his friends and family. True, I'm glad it wasn't my friend, because then it would be me feeling that direct devastation, but that boy is best friends to someone. And that boy has a mother, and father who love him. Maybe he has a sister, brother, girlfriend. I've lost people close to me to death. I know what that sorrow and devastation feels like.

Devastation is a word I think that people do not use lightly. When someone or something has been devastated you automatically know that something horrible has happened. The degree of devastation can be simple, or magnified intensely by the result of what has happened. Maybe people left behind will recover from it. Maybe they wont. The Tsunami of 2oo4? Not only were the people destroyed, but the land was devastated as well. The same thing goes for Hurricane Katrina. I believe, however, that things can come back better than they were before, if only given the chance to grow. (And yes, I recently watched Lion King 2: Simba's Pride, and if anyone else has watched it... you'll know the scene I've referenced.... and if you'd like to see it here is the link to the portion of the video, provided by . . . It's about a minute into this video.) People reached out to help in those tragic natural disasters.

And maybe it's not nature that does the devastation. Maybe it's a person. A man walks into a diner and kills 13 people and then himself (not an actual situation. . . that I know of ). His actions have devastated everyone who was there, everyone who is related to or know someone who was there. The ripple effect begins. The man who killed those people, his family is devastated by what he's done. Shocked and devastated. The people who know his family are devastated. The people that work with the man at his office job, are devastated. The people who work with the people he worked with, are devastated. The people he killed? The same goes for all of them. And of course now there's a news crew involved. Local news. Everyone in the town is devastated. A woman in her house realises that one of the people that was murdered worked at the grocery store she shops at and always bagged her groceries how she preferred, paper and plastic, without asking. Local news reaches to state news. The state is devastated. Someone twelve towns away realises that the man who shot those people, why... her sister dated him for a month in high school! State news reaches national news, as tragedies such as these always manage to do. The nation is devastated that one man could cause all this sorrow. Of course, degrees of sorrow will vary from person to person. The people who hear about it on the national news, they'll probably forget about it soon enough. The people in the state? It might remain in their memory for a while longer. But the people who were there-- the people who knew someone who was there, it may not fade from their memory for a long, long time.

But eventually people recover. Memories fade. Hatred and anger seems meaningless after such a long time. The wound has healed, and you never even noticed that the scar vanished. You just realise one day, that you're not angry anymore. That shit happens. And you can either learn from it, or dwell on it. Personally, I'd rather learn from the past and move on. What use is having an experience if it just halts your progress as a human being? Devastation, I'm sad to say, is something that I've come to discover as a part of life.

A cardinal flew into my window yesterday. Beautiful, crimson cardinal fell dead in the snow. His mate was in the dogwood tree in the front yard. She was there this morning when I woke up. She will be there all day. I will continue to see this widowed bird for weeks to come. I know I will. Cardinals mate for life. I can only imagine the devastation she must feel, having watched her scarlet soul mate die at the hands of transparency.

Devastation, small or large, is something I wish upon none of you. But having said it is a part of life, it will happen. It has happened. And I wish that for the future, when it happens again, you all know that there is a chance. A chance that what's left behind can grow better than the generation before. It just might take some time.

Saturday, January 9, 2010


Anyone who knows me knows that I love vampires, vampire stories and anything to do with them. Save the lovely "Twilight Saga". Today's word has been picked by me as sort of. . . a retaliation to the image of "vampire" that Stephanie Meyer's Twilight has put into people's heads. has many entries for "vampire". However, the only ones that I feel are really and truly appropriate for this entry are the first two. 1] A preternatural being, commonly believed to be a reanimated corpse, that is said to suck the blood of sleeping persons at night. 2] (In Eastern European Folklore) A corpse, animated by an undeparted soul or demon, that periodically leaves the grave and disturbs the living, until it is exhumed and impaled or burned.

Now. I consider myself quite an expert of vampires and all things related. As an aspiring sci-fi/fantasy/horror writer, I sort of made it my business to be so. I have researched (which means I bought a lot of vampire books and giggled maliciously as I poured over their pages) endlessly and have found most vampire books satisfactory to the legends of old. Save four. And that would be Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn.

Nothing has disappointed me more in my field than these books. And yes, I read all of them. At first, I thought, "Wow, that glittering in the sunlight thing? That's a pretty nifty twist. Nice way to get them to be able to be out during the day-- you know what? She may be on to something here!" Unfortunately I was quickly disturbed by Edward Cullen's character. Not only does he, and excuse me for my language, NOT FUCKING DRINK HUMAN BLOOD, but he's a virgin too! Not to say that virginity is a bad thing, because it's not, but a virgin vampire? They're supposed to be the seducers of the night. They're supposed to lure their prey in with unwittingly good looks and then kill them once they've had their fun.

Vampires are creatures that have fascinated me for a long time. (No, I don't believe they are real... though I wish. Oh do I wish.) They are supposed to be beautiful, blood sucking demons who shudder at crosses and can't cross thresh holds unless invited. They can fly without wings, and change their form to suit their purpose. They have inhuman strength, and are impervious to most normal methods of killing. They heal extraordinarily fast, and have speed beyond that of human capabilities.

And then there's the Cullen's. They glitter in the sunlight. They behave and don't drink the blood of Humans. Won't lie. This disturbs me. I know it's a running joke between the haters of Twilight, but little boys with body glitter sparkle too. Normal people don't drink the blood of humans either (unless they're cannibals... and let's face it, that's just disturbing). Body builders are incredibly strong, and some Olympic runners run faster than I can even imagine myself doing. Does that mean that those individuals are related to the Cullen's? No. it just means that the Cullen's are very sad impersonations of vampires. In the above definition of "vampire" I bolded a selection of words, "suck the blood" and "persons". I did so to emphasize that Edward Cullen defies even the dictionary in terms of being a vampire.

Dracula was a vampire. Simon from The Silver Kiss was a vampire. Jean Claude from Laurell K Hamilton's Anita Blake Vampire Hunter Series is a vampire. Bill Compton from the hit TV show True Blood (based on the books by Charlaine Harris) is a vampire. Louis and Lestat from Anne Rice's novels The Vampire Chronicles are both vampires!

The point I'm trying to make here is a creepy, virginal, glittering boy who drinks deer blood and crawls into unsuspecting girls windows at night is not a vampire. He's a sexual predator and in any society, he would be pin pointed and sent to jail where he would spend years of his life before being released and having his every move tracked so because of his prior actions. Edward Cullen is not the fantasy of every girls dream, he is someone to be feared, and I feel that girls, especially young girls should know that having a boy watch you sleep without your knowledge is wrong, and creepy. It's not okay, and if it has happened to you, please tell an adult or someone you trust. I would also like to take this moment and elaborate upon the safety of young women today. Edward explicitly says "I'm a killer, Bella." Girls. If someone says this to you, and you think he's adorable and glittery-- he is dangerous and not because he's pretending to be a "vampire." Run away from him and tell someone. Young women should not be allowed to believe that these are all desirable traits in a man. These are not the traits of a vampire. These are the traits of a sexual predator, and he's the main character in a children's novel!

I don't mean to offend anyone who may be a fan of Twilight, and I am certainly not trying to offend Stephanie Meyer in anyway. I quite like her writing, The Host was a fantastic novel and I read it in one day (during the summer, while outside tanning. I do not recommend this to anyone. I was a lobster for a week and then some). I just disagree with the way she chose to portray her vampire characters.

She turned fearful, hell-damned creatures of the night into glittery, stalker-like people who have to restrain themselves. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the restraining part-- what good would a vampire book be if the vampire just kills people endlessly? The vampire in question must have some sort of restraint on themselves, or else we'd run out of characters! But I feel that taking the "bite" out of vampires makes the "vampire" no less than a strange, extraordinarily gifted person. And the glitter? Let's just say my fascination with that idea ended when I saw images of Edward Cullen with the captions "I wish my boyfriend sparkled!" It really killed the creative genius behind it.

Really though. I did enjoy the first Twilight book. I had read it before the vampire craze started and girls started freaking out and such. After that, the insane fan girls sort of. . . scared me off. I mean, I went to go see the movie (on opening night- some of my friends were lo and behold, fan girls) and I couldn't even hear the movie because every time Edward or Jacob walked on the screen, the theatre erupted into shrieks and giggles.

So this is an ode to the original, fierce, human-blood sucking vampires. I salute you and your creators.

As for Edward Cullen? You are not a vampire. You are a sexual predator and you scare me. And not because you glitter.

Friday, January 8, 2010


Today's word is an eager suggestion from a close friend of mine.

"Worth" is defined by as a preposition and a noun. The preposition "worth" has three meanings, while the noun "worth" has eight. I've picked two of the three preposition meanings of "worth", and three of the eight definitions of the noun "worth." The definitions of preposition "worth" are 1] good or important enough to justify (what is specified), and 2] Having property to the value or amount of. The definitions for the noun "worth" are 1] excellence of character or quality commanding esteem, 2] Usefulness or importance, to the world, to a person, or for a purpose, and 3] a quantity of something as to a specified value.

Of course this time I've taken it a little bit further and cracked open my favored thick, red thesaurus [ Webster's New World Thesaurus, printed in 1985 from Prentice Hall Press] and turned to page eight hundred an thirty-six. Here, along side of "worth" is "worthless", "worthlessness", "worthwhile", and "worthy."

Who determines the worth of anything? An American dollar is worth four quarters. Twenty of those quarters equals the worth of a five dollar bill. Two five dollar bills are worth a ten dollar bill. But as i find myself going through my wallet, I snub the five ones and reach for the five. But they're worth the same, right? What about what I purchased? Is that large coffee and a bagel really worth five dollars? Is that pack of cigarettes worth it to the woman behind me in line? Is that pack of cigarettes worth the lung cancer she may or may not have to suffer through in the later years of her life?

What about your friends? My friends are people I value above all else. I do hope yours are the same. But would I pay my friend ten dollars to be my friend? Maybe once, yes, because I believe in quality over quantity, and having the experiences I've had with them, I know that they really are my friends. True-blue, right to the end friends. I'd loan them ten dollars if they asked, which I suppose says that they're worthy of receiving a loan from me. But would I pay them ten dollars every week to be my friend? What about every day? Ten dollars every day for the month of September [Thirty days] is equal to three hundred dollars! And since I'm doing math, ten dollars every day for a full six months, (and to be precise I've picked the months January, February [not in leap year], March, April, May and June. That's thirty-one days, twenty-eight days, thirty-one days, thirty days, thirty one days, and another thirty days.) is one thousand eight hundred dollars ($1800) to be my friend. And now think, what about a friend who has been your friend for many, many years? Quickly doing the math, a girl I've known for the majority of my life, I'll say eighteen years, for her to be my friend (again, I'm not including leap years), I would have paid her sixty-five thousand, eight hundred and eighty dollars ($65880). Now, I love my friend very, very much. But I'm not entirely sure I'd pay her nearly sixty-six thousand dollars to be my friend. That's nearly a year and a half's worth of tuition at my college!

Would you put ten dollars worth of value to your best friend? What about your significant other? Are they worth ten dollars? Ten dollars a week? Ten dollars a day? What if that was doubled? Quadrupled? How much are your friends worth? And remember, this is just one friend. This could easily be multiplied by five, ten, or even twenty. If friends were marketable products, costing ten dollars initially, and then ten dollars every week after that; How many friends would you buy?

What about a significant other? Supposedly people share with their significant others a special part of them that they don't exactly share with their other friends. Significant others would at least be twenty dollars "off the shelf." And once again, I love my boyfriend very much, but, sorry sweetie! I wouldn't pay for you. (That's because you're invaluable to me! Now all together everyone, "awwwwww!") But I suppose that's the beauty of friendship. Unless you're an incredibly horrible person, you don't really have to "buy your friends".

What about worth to yourself? How much is, say your computer, worth to you? I know people who would sell their souls to the devil himself (and I'm not exaggerating) to keep their computers. What about your cell phone? I'm a victim of it too. I hate not having my phone on me at all time. What about you? How much are YOU worth to yourself? Are you worth sitting with that horrible boyfriend/girlfriend who makes you feel like you're no more than dog poop on the bottom of their shoe? Are you worth that two-carat, potentially ten to fifteen thousand dollar ring sitting on an eighteen carat gold setting on your ring finger? Are you worth the cheap imitation handbag meant to mimic a Chanel, or Gucci? Do you think you're worth the real thing? Is that Chanel purse really worth the eight-hundred dollars that you or someone you love paid for it? Is a painful divorce worth the twenty years of marriage, kids and home?

The friend who suggested this word to me later used it in a conversation we were having. They said they felt "worthy". Out of context it could mean anything, and I'm not the type to divulge personal conversations to the world, but the way "worthy" was used. . . all I could really think of was that the "worth" that was felt was "worthless". And only they will know why.

What worth do you put on the things around you? Maybe you wouldn't pay for a friend. In this society, we don't have to (thank goodness, or else I'd be in a world of debt!), but perhaps, what about life worth? Would you jump in front of a bus and push your best friend out of the way, thus ending your own life and saving theirs? What if it was your spouse? Mother? Father? Brother? Sister? Are their lives, their existences worth ending your own life? And would you do it for the sheer thought that you love them and care about them? Or would it be done so you could be proclaimed a hero? Or would you not do it at all? Would that mean that they are "worthless" to you? What if it was your child, and if you did so, you'd be leaving them an orphan?

"Worth" is a very funny word indeed. Not only does it look and sound funny (maybe that's because I've been saying it a lot and looking at it frequently), but it has a funny meaning. Who determines worth? Worth of money. Worth of friendship. Worth of loyalty. Worth of love. Love worth a fifteen thousand dollar ring, and a twenty-seven thousand dollar wedding plus a twelve thousand dollar honeymoon in the Florida Keys (and that's going small, mind you). Is that burger and fries you're eating really worth the advertised price of $2.99? Is it worth the ten miles or one hundred and fifty minutes you'd have to walk/jog to burn it off? Or is it worth the heart attack in five years while you're walking to the car to go and get your kids from soccer practice?

Do you determine "worth?" Do I? Does the government decide when it puts the equal weight of gold behind the paper that we use as currency everyday? What if there isn't enough gold? What if there is too much "paper?" (Yes, I'm aware this would equal a depression.) We take things for granted everyday. Job. Home. Friends. Love. Hate. But what if everything had a value to it? Would some people be "worth" more than others? What if you had to pay a small fee (not your time!) to keep your job and continue making money so you could spend it on wife, husband, children, home, etc?

To me? My friends and loved ones are worth everything. Without them, I feel like life would be quite "worthless". Maybe because I'm not a person built to be a solitary individual. I like people. I like the odd quirks and personalities. I like the variety of individuals, the dark and light within each person. My cat, Poe, is worth a lot to me. He's a darling little boy and a misbehaving little mischief maker, but I love him. School is worth a lot to me, as is my aspiration to become a novelist. Drama is "worthless" to me. Fighting over stupid issues is not "worth" my time, which I could be spending doing other things other than creating bad memories. Spiders are "worthless" to me. But that's only because the creepy critters scare the crud out of me! I consider star-gazing "worthwhile", much like I consider the time sitting on the couch and watching re-runs of Fantasy Factory with my boyfriend "worthwhile." I consider reading and writing "worthy" of my time and dedication.

Curiosity killed the cat, but the cat had nine lives, and I'm getting "curiouser and curiouser". What is "worth" a lot to you? What is "worthless?" What is "worthwhile"? Is it that hike up the mountain in the dark to see the sunrise? Is it that pack of cigarettes you've been trying to knock the habit of buying every day? Is it your best friend? Your mother? Your child? I'm curious. Please, tell me what's "worthy" to you.

Thursday, January 7, 2010


Beginning is defined on as a noun which means [1] an act or circumstance of entering upon an action or state, or [2] the point of time or space at which anything begins.

This is most certainly a "beginning."

From this day forward, perhaps for a full year, I will pick words at random, whether I be walking down the street and hear it in passing, or if I have to grab a dictionary and flip to a random page and point at a random word, and I will define the word, and then add new connotations to it, my own ideas of how the word has evolved and whether or not it even means the same thing to me as it is defined in the dictionary.

I chose the word beginning today because this is the beginning of my first blog. Beginnings require things. Beginnings inspire things. Thus, I shall start with an introduction, because you are all my new friends, and this is our beginning together.

My name is Sara. I'm twenty years old, and a junior in college. I am majoring in Creative Writing, and hope to one day be a great novelist to be paired alongside J.K Rowling, C.S Lewis, Marianne Curley and other fantasy/sci-fi greats. I do many things in life, I read, and write, but those were obvious attributes of one such as I. I draw, and watch movies. I love music and color, and as a side notion of myself, my socks never match, and very rarely are they white. I facebook, and refuse to twitter, though friends of mine will continue to try and persuade me to do so. I like to ski in the winter, and I'm learning how to skateboard. It's a process, but I'm quite excited to do my first kickflip, and that excitement pushes me forward through the bumps and brusies and keeps me skating.

Now that you know a little bit about me, I'm curious, what have YOU begun lately? Is it your New Year's resolution? Is it a new job? A new relationship with someone who just sends shivers down your spine?

To me, a beginning is a second chance, a third, and maybe even a fourth if I screw up enough times. This is my new beginning, and I hope that with the steps I take, I will discover new things about the language that we utter every day, without full comprehension of the meanings of the things we say. Today is a beginning for everyone. Each morning we wake up, and we begin again what we'd put to rest the day before. Will you pick up something new today? Will you begin something exciting? I know I have.