Change

Change. It's the coins in your pocket left over from your last purchase. You do it when you put different clothes on. "Hey, let's do something different for a change," you'll say to a friend as you sit on the couch and watch re-runs on TV. You watch a character in a movie plead with their departing lover, "Please don't go, I'll change!"

Change probably has more definitions that I would care to count. It's a noun, and a verb. Verb "Change" means 1] to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone 2] to transform or convert 3] to substitute another or others for; exchange for something else, usually of the same kind 4] to give and take reciprocally; interchange 5] to transfer from one (conveyance) to another 6] to give or get foreign money in exchange for. 7] to become different 8] to become altered or modified. And Noun "Change" has more meanings! 1] the act or fact of changing; fact of being changed 2] a variation or deviation 3] the substitution of one thing for another... the list goes on and on.

Change. How strange it seems. Every day on the new year we resolve to change something about our old lives. Quit smoking. Lose weight. Run more. Those things are so trivial though... okay maybe not the smoking as that can eventually kill you... and if you're obese the weight thing might be in the same category... but what I'm really trying to get at here is the real deal. Change. We do it. Or say we do, but what happens when you promise change, either to yourself or someone else, and you never do it? You stab them in the back, that's what. You hurt yourself, and you hurt other people. You say you'll do something, hopefully for the better, because that's what I associate change with... you change, for the better, because who the hell would want to change for the worse? But it happens. People change over time. Grow comfortable with each other. Let slip the things they shouldn't. And then one day you're staring at the person sitting across from you wondering when they got they way they are and how come you didn't notice sooner that you don't agree with how they are now. How do you handle that? It slaps you in the face, and then you're left wondering what the hell happened and when and why you missed the neon flashing sign that maybe could have stopped everything... and what if it's you? What if the person you're staring at is your own damned reflection and suddenly you realize you can't stand what you see?

You change. You're disgusted with yourself. Why would you want to stay that way? This is YOUR life. You change. You get off of one train, and onto the other. But it's really not that easy. Habits are hard to break. Quitting smoking is heard to do. Not eating that delicious cheeseburger from McHeartAttacks? It's hard to do. Running that mile when you're out of breath after five minutes is hard to do. Changing yourself from the inside out? I find it's nearly impossible. Unless you have no other choice. Then you have to do it. It's either that or be someone you hate for the rest of existence. You change in hopes that you can have another chance at all the things you screwed up in. That job interview where you forgot to take your gauges out and didn't iron your shirt? You'll change it, go back, and try again. Worst case scenario? You don't go back to the same place, but find yourself in a similar situation in the future. An opportunity re-presenting itself father on down the line. You changed for that chance, for that moment where you look someone in the eye and you can think to yourself, "I did it", and hope that they know that you did. That you are. Change doesn't happen over night, it's far too complex for that, but change can happen.

You BEGIN to CHANGE because you're WORTH it. Because you'd be DEVASTATED if you didn't. Because FORGIVENESS is what we as a species seek. Because in REALITY, you don't want to HATE yourself. You want to LOVE yourself, and be loved by others. You CONTINUE to change because its not something that you can stop doing, if you do stop, then you never really started to begin with, did you? If in the end, change is all you have to do? Then it's really not so hard, now is it?

So drop the cigarette. Put down the cheeseburger. Take a drink of water, and finish running that mile. Do it for yourself. Do it for the ones you love.

Even if you cant go back, you can keep going forward, and who knows? Maybe you'll cross paths with something later on in life and realize that this is why you changed in the first place.

Continue

Begin. Continue. End. You do it every day. You start something. You endure it. You end it. How do you decide what to continue though? How do you know what's best for you? Or do you ignore what's best for you and do what's best for other people?

Continue is defined in the dictionary as a verb meaning 1] to go on after suspension or interruption, 2] to go on or keep on, as in some course or action, 3] to last or endure, and 4]to remain in a place; abide; stay.

Continue. It sounds so easy. You start something. For example, a sport. You've played your entire life, and you go to college, on a grant for this particular sport. You're on the team, but you've been benched. You sit on the bench for a whole season. You understand, you were a freshman. You continue to go to practice. You continue to show up, and be a reliable teammate in the hopes that you'll play soon. Season two. Benched. You know you're better than some of the people in the game, but you're still benched. What to do? Quit because things aren't going well for you? You're not playing, but maybe deserve to. Do you continue to endure the shame of being benched game after game? You've put your whole life into this, and now it's judgement day. You have two choices. End or continue. How do you decide?

Okay, lets get a little deeper. Relationship. Love. Been dating for a while now. You love each other, but it's hard (aren't all relationships?) and you don't know if you're happy anymore. Or worse, you don't know if your significant other is happy anymore. You've got memories, you've got mutual friends, family, etc. Ending this relationship will be devastating to you, to your significant other. But there's a chance that if you stuck together, continue your relationship, that things can get better. Hold on or let go? Do you give up on each other, call it quits and work on being alone? Do you stick together and have faith, have trust that you can fix it, work through the problems? Let's escalate it a little bit. Now this isn't just a relationship, this is a marriage. This is house, kids, pets, the whole deal. This is more than just a few months of being with someone. This is years. This is life. It gets more complicated, eh?

How do you make choices like that? Do you do what's best for you? What's best for them? How do you decide? Lists of pros and cons? Talking? Being alone and just making a sole decision. Me? Believing in the best is something I struggle with. Right now? I can't decide what to continue, what to end. I'm scared that if I let go, I'm letting go forever, and I will never be able to get back what I have. If it were up to me, I would suffer through the misery of fighting and work on being together. I feel like giving up all the memories, the company, the love... none of it is worth it. None of those wonderful things are worth giving up for some hard times.

Back to the sports team. I have a friend. Okay, I have two friends. And both of them are in that situation. One of the friends quit the team. The other one hasn't. The one who hasn't says, "I've put too much into this to give up now." The one that did said that he loved it, but it just didn't matter as much to him. I doubt it was an easy decision for him to make, but in the end he did, and I would believe that he's happier now than he was when he was benched on the sidelines.

How do you decide to continue? Continue ever single day? What if you're at the very bottom, looking up, wondering how you'll ever get up there again? What if it looks so hopeless, that you don't know what to do? You don't know whether or not to keep breathing let alone keep doing the things you've been doing all along... Every thing's gone wrong, and when you look at it from a different perspective? You did it to yourself. How do you live with yourself? Here, 'Continuing' gets pretty tricky. If you stop 'continuing', you've decided to stop living. This decision doesn't affect just you now. Now this affects your parents, sister, brother, friends. It gets to people who see you on the bus everyday. That lady at the bookstore who smiles at you when you come in every week. It's the friend that you sit next to in class. How do you decide to take yourself away from them? And if you do decide to do so... how do you know that things weren't going to get better? What if you kill yourself, and the next day you were going to sit in class and something would happen that would have changed everything?

Start. Continue.

[end]

Naive

It's been a while. Sorry about that. Got caught up in a lot of different things.

So today's word is "Naive." Naive is a adjective with four meanings. 1]having or showing unaffected simplicity of nature or absence of artificiality; unsophisticated; ingenuous. 2] having or showing a lack of experience, judgment, or information; credulous. 3] having or marked by a simple, unaffectedly direct style reflecting little or no formal training or technique and 4] not having previously been the subject of a scientific experiment, as an animal.

So I've realized that I am naive. I am naive to many things that I was under the impression that I was well versed in. I am naive to relationships, romantic and otherwise. I am naive to how I act, and the mental workings of others. I am naive.

Naive is an attribute of the first Tarot card, The fool. He looks up at the sky whilst he should be looking where he's walking. He represents new experiences, and infinite possibilities. He also represents caution to the future, and is a warning card that tells you to stop daydreaming and get your head out of the clouds. He is naive to the snake, the cliff, the many depictions of pitfalls that he may be subject to.

I often wonder if naivety is innocence or if it's stupidity. If you are shown the worst of someone, and still believe them to be a good person, are you stupid? Innocent? A good person? Or are you just ignorant? The first definition of "Naive" says that being thus means you're unsophisticated. I wouldn't consider myself an unsophisticated person. I go to college, and I do pretty well. I read wonderful books, and understand words that some people don't. I am by no means a genius, but I am educated, and polite. I can voice my opinion, and I can reason with people. I have good manners, and friends that can vouch for my character. Yet I am naive.

Is naivety something you can outgrow? Is it implanted in your brain as something that you will always be? I always give people another chance. I have been stepped on, yelled at, hated, and worse, and in the end, I always give people another chance. Am I naive to think that talking things out can change things? Am I naive to say that it wont happen again?

What about the wrongs I've done to others? I am convinced that once I know a fault about myself, it's something I can and will change. It wont be easy, but I have faith that I can and will do it. Is it naive of me to think that I can even when I think others cant? Is it stupid of me to give others a chance and not give myself one?

I question frequently the things I write. I have an idea, and I start. I type my thoughts, and ponder them. You, as my reader, experience the progression of my thoughts, my stream of consciousness. Am I naive to think that getting my thoughts out there even matters to you? I've gone back and read things I've written and realized that sometimes, I don't even state my opinion, I just ponder what things are and why.

Naive. Why is naivety associated with stupidity? Is it really stupid to believe in the best of people?

Heart

What does it mean to "have heart?" Every person has a heart. How come our emotions are symbolized by the heart, and not the brain, which is in fact where are emotions are controlled and stored? Why don't we say I [insert brain image here] NY? Or whatever/whoever it is that you :heart:? The heart is actually just a muscle in our bodies hat pumps blood through the rest of our system. So why does IT symbolize all that we love?

Heart is defined by Dictionary.com as a noun. 1] Anatomy. a hollow, pump like organ of blood circulation, composed mainly of rhythmically contractile smooth muscle, located in the chest between the lungs and slightly to the left and consisting of four chambers: a right atrium that receives blood returning from the body via the superior and inferior vena cavae, a right ventricle that pumps the blood through the pulmonary artery to the lungs for oxygenation, a left atrium that receives the oxygenated blood via the pulmonary veins and passes it through the mitral valve, and a left ventricle that pumps the oxygenated blood, via the aorta, throughout the body.2]the center of the total personality, esp. with reference to intuition, feeling, or emotion. 3] the center of emotion, esp. as contrasted to the head as the center of the intellect. 4] spirit, courage, or enthusiasm, There are more, but these are just a few that I feel are the essential ones to know, since we're all aware of what a heart ( <3 ) is shaped like.

When I write, I put all my heart into it. I said that the other day, and I found myself contemplating what I said. Really, my heart had nothing to do with what I was writing. The story came from an idea, and ideas are in my brain. Not my heart. So do I put all my brain into my writing? Somehow that just doesn't sound appealing, even if it is true.

What about when someone "loses heart?" You can't really lose your heart. If you do, you die. Losing heart means that you've lost the will/spirit to do something. Recently, someone I know quit a group. Then, yesterday, the individual in question came back and said that he'd be willing to participate if he was still wanted. Now this next part hasn't happened yet, but I'm pretty sure it will happen. The group in question said that they don't mess around, and that the individual who quit had "lost heart" and that they didn't need that. They'd found someone new, and it was his loss.

What about me? I stop writing many stories in the beginning for one reason or another. Does that mean that I've "lost heart" for what I'm passionate about? I doubt it. I think that I just had an idea, and wrote it down, but didn't fully think it through. And that relates back to the individual who quit the group. What if he just didn't think leaving the group through? What if he realized he did want it and he just messed up. We've been over it a few times already, "To err is human."

How in the world is it that the heart ended up representing romance? The iconic heart is a cute shape that does not in the least resemble the actual organ. How did the heart (organ and icon) represent love? I would assume that love is something that is felt, and as I said earlier, the brain is in control of our emotions. Not the heart, icon or organ. I mean sure, when I snuggle with my boyfriend and he kisses me I can feel my heart race. But all that is, is a physical reaction to something my brain does. It would be the same if I had just sprinted 100 yards.

Dictionary.com says that the heart is the center of emotion. I've never been lied to but the dictionary before. The heart is not the center of emotion. A portion of the brain called the Prefrontal Cortex, or even the Deep Limbic System, which is where all our previous emotions are stored. Once again, the heart is an organ that pumps blood through our bodies. Yes, it can react to our emotions, but it is not the center, and it does not control them.

Love/Lust

These two go hand in hand, and back to back. Good or bad, Love and lust are two things that mirror eachother. Hell they're practically identical twins, save the severe personality difference. They look like one another, they act like one another, but when they open they're mouths, they're completely different. But totally inseperable.

And as a side note, I think it's funny that I'm about to define love by the dictionary.

Well. Between noun form, verb form and idioms, "love" has nearly thirty possible definitions. "Lust" on the other hand, has just seven, which I find mildly appropriate as lust is one of the seven deadly sins. Some of the definitions of "love" are 1] a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; 2] a feeling of warm personal attatchment or deep affection as for a parent, child, or friend; 3] a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person, sweetheart; 4] strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything; 5] sexual passion or desire.

As for "lust", the definitions are all very much the same. 1] intense sexual desire or appetite; 2] a passionate or overmastering desire or craving; 3] uncontrolled or illicit sexual desire or appetite; lecherousness.

To be honest, there is a thin line between love and lust. Sometimes they go hand in hand. More often than not, these two like to masquerade as one another. A relationship, at least the ideal ones, are the ones that have both. You have that tender, passionate "love" for someone, while you still feel that intense sexual desire that is "lust." You love the person's smile, and the way they get dressed in the morning. You love the way their forehead wrinkles when they think too hard, and the way their hand feels in yours. You love the memories and the plans. You can't wait to see them again, to see them well, and happy everyday. You love what makes them happy because it makes them happy. And underneath, you find them undeniably attractive, body and soul. You want their hands on you, their lips on yours and the feel of their body next to you.

But what happens when lust impersonates love? With lust, there is an intense attraction and sexual desire. Sounds a lot like love, doesn't it? Looks like it, feels like it, but isn't really it. How do you tell the difference? The answer? You don't. You fall deeper and deeper into this lustful state and continue to delude yourself into thinking that the shallow impersonation of love is actually the real thing. Only until you experience real love do you realise the difference between the two. Love is unconditional. Lust? You'll fight over something that you didn't even know what bothering you before you realise it's just not right. By the end of the conversation, the realization has hit you in the face like a ton of bricks. This isn't what love is like. And then you end it. Or you don't and you suffer through more fights like the first until you finally do.

Can love masquerade as lust? Really? I'm not sure. I can imagine someone being oblivious of the fact that they're in love, but really thinking about it, I can't picture someone feeling such a strong emotion as love and thinking it nothing more than hardened lust. It doesn't make sense to me. Has anyone out there experienced this? Know someone who has?

In the end, love is to lust as heads is to tails. Two sides of the same coin, but both sides of the coin are neccessary to make a purchase.

Reality

Today's word is based on a whim I had when I awoke in tears from a horrifying dream. I thought to myself, "it was just a dream- a nightmare more like, but still just a dream. This is reality and things are different here."

"Reality" is defined on Dictionary.com as being 1] the state or quality of being real. 2] a real thing or fact. 3] Philosophy a. something that exists independently of ideas concerning it. b. something that exists independently of all other things and from which all other things derive. 4] something that constitutes a real or actual thing, as distinguished from something that is merely apparent.

While reading these definitions I was struck with an idea. I live in "reality". I dreamed my dream inside of this "reality". Doesn't that make my dream part of the reality? I mean, really, it did happen. But it was inside my head, and no one else saw it. Does that mean that it didn't really happen? (The dream itself, not what happened in the dream) According to the third definition of "reality", starting with philosophy, yes. My dream did not exist independently of all other things. My dream only occurred because I dreamed it in the first place.

But what happens when dreams come true? How does that fit into the definition of reality? It's rare, but it's happened before. I've had a dream about something and then it actually happened. For example, this one time, I was probably seven or eight... maybe nine years old. My whole street was planning this giant yard sale. In the dream I had, I was with a friend of mine, a girl who lived down the road from me, and we were watching the yard sale from inside her house. It was kinda foggy feeling, and I felt like I couldn't really see what was going on, but I could see enough to know that two boys from a few streets up the hill had come down to check things out. They had ridden down on their bikes. They stopped at the driveway that lead to the house that we were inside, and they made a purchase from my friend's older brother. Two basketball jerseys. They pulled them on over their heads and t-shirts and rode away. Now a week later, the tag sale happened. I wasn't surprised. We'd all known about it for months. And then the strangest thing happened. I was sitting in the living room of my friends house, it was really hot outside and we had gone in to get a drink. And I looked out her window through lace curtains. And I watched as my dream played out in front of me. I must have looked strange because the girl asked me what was wrong. I pointed to what was happening and she just looked at me. When I explained what I had dreamed about, she called me psychic.

Now, I don't know if I'm a psychic. But I do know that I dreamed about something and then it happened, breaking the third definition of "reality". My dream existed because I dreamed it, and then in reality, it happened anyways. Does that mean that I willed it to happen? Or that I really was predicting a small portion of the future? How does that fit into the definition of reality? It doesn't. The Laws of reality say that it shouldn't have happened. But it did...

What about incidents where some little girl is kidnapped and they bring in a psychic to help find her? What about that fortune teller at the fair who knew that your significant other had blue eyes? Honestly, I'm not sure that reality is as definitive as we want it to be.

Now, I'm not saying that the dream I had today is going to come true. Technically, it can't. Things that existed in my dream just aren't that way in reality. But what if the things that couldn't be were a symbol of what is going to happen anyways? I dreamed that someone that I trust with something very precious was related to-- directly related to-- someone who I had dated a long time ago. The individual whom I had dated-- well he didn't word out. He was under the impression that while I wasn't around he could do whatever he wanted with other girls without consequences. He thought he could keep it hidden from me. Now, the individual who was related to him in the dream-- that's not possible. The two are not related. They're not even remotely alike in any way, shape or form. But what if?

I suppose that's how reality is. It's a thing that exists with ideas of what could happen. Lot's of "what if's" are floating around until one of those "what if's" becomes a reality. Someone once thought "I will make something that will connect everyone who has one in the world together in minutes." That "what-if" became a reality with computers and the Internet. Same goes for cars, trains, guns-- anything really. Flying cars are a "what-if". Twenty, thirty years from now, will they still be a "what if" or will the be part of our constantly evolving reality?

Forgiveness

Today's word is something that I feel is very hard to do. Very hard to ask for. And even once all has been said and done . . . have you really been "forgiven"?

Dictionary.com defines "Forgiveness" as a noun with two possible meanings. 1] The act of forgiving; the state of being forgiven and 2] disposition or willingness to forgive.

Alexander Pope said that "To err is human, to forgive, divine." I find truth in his words. For me being asked to be forgiven for something I've done has always been a bit of a struggle. I would fight with someone over something and then something would happen and I would realize I was wrong. I would admit that I was wrong, I had no problem doing so, but the part that followed was something I had to swallow my pride to do. And that was difficult.

To apologize and ask to be forgiven... I've always thought that you're never truly forgiven. That even after they say "It's okay" that the incident, the words, the-- whatever may have happened will get thrown back in your face to prove that you messed up-- like the person who "forgave" you never screwed up in their life. I only think so because it's happened. Intentionally, not intentionally, it makes no difference. I think that when you say you forgive someone, you have to let go what they did. Don't bring it up again, don't smack them in the face with it. Especially if it's a serious matter. I too, am guilty of "forgiving" and then bringing up the past. Out of spite, as a joke... I've done it. And sometime it went over well, other times the person in question was highly offended that I had brought it up.

And what about when to forgive? Do you forgive the drunk driver who killed your best friend? Do you forgive the man who ran over your cat? Do you forgive your mother when she's divorcing your father? Do you forgive the boyfriend who cheated on you? What about the friend who betrayed your trust, lied to you, and about you? Forgiveness is something that is hard to do, as well as to ask for. You can say that you "forgive", but do you really? If the wound is severe enough and every time you think of the person, your insides fill with hate; Have you really forgiven them? Or did you just say you did to look like the gracious person who has the ability to do so?

See, there's the problem right there. Someone hurt me very badly. It wasn't too recently, and because of what they did, my life actually ended up in a better place than I was before. It was a strange twist of fate. One of the girls recently tried to apologise to me. Not because she was really and truly sorry for what she'd done to me and put me through, but for the good of her own conscience. She admitted that what she'd done was wrong, and here, I actually did consider forgiving her. I would never let her back into my life again the way I had -- no, I'm too smart for that and she'd already shown me her true character.

But I wanted to know if she could admit to the actual deeds she'd committed, instead of just saying that she was wrong. I asked her what it was that she was sorry for. She turned the tables on me and tried to tell me that I was at fault too, and at least she could admit when she was wrong. Now, I'm a pretty honest person, and admitting I'm wrong isn't a problem with me. It happens to often for me to think that I'm always right. But unless there's something I did that I'm not aware of, I did nothing wrong to this girl. I was a friend and more, and she turned her back on me to gain popularity with a group of people that I had introduced her to. I told her in short, to shove her apology where the sun don't shine. Her apology wasn't sincere. She couldn't admit to lying about me to people who I'd thought were my friends, so I couldn't-- no, I wouldn't forgive her. She doesn't deserve to have a clean conscience, and thus, I will not forgive her. Am I wrong? I might be. But I am not divine. I am human. And forgiveness for that is not something in my power to give.

I do not look like a gracious person. In fact, I look like quite the opposite. I look like someone who can't get over the past. Truth is, I really don't care about what they did to me anymore. For a while, I did. I dwelt on it, and I hated them. Even though my life had taken a drastic turn for the better, I couldn't get over what they'd done to me. I didn't want them to think that they had actually bettered my life instead of hurting me like they had intended. They didn't deserve that sort of justice to their actions. I still think that they don't, but for other reasons. If they could admit to what they'd done, in specifics, I would forgive them. To me, that would mean that they had actually realized what it was that was wrong, instead of just trying to clean their plate.

To truly ask for forgiveness is to admit to your wrong doings. It's like that in confession. You sit and talk to a priest and you tell him everything you've done wrong. Then he tells you that God forgives you. End of story. God is gracious. All he asks is that you tell him what you did. At this point in time, I would be to. If only they would tell me what they did to me. Really realize the horrors of what they'd done.

To truly forgive is to accept that someone hurt you, and has realized what they'd done and asked to be pardoned. To forgive them is more than just a word that consoles the matter. To really forgive is an action that you have to decide you want to do. From the heart. You really do have to be okay with whatever has been done to you. You as the forgiver have to find it within yourself to put behind you what has/had been done. There is a reason they say "Forgive and Forget."

Devastation

"Devastation" is a noun with two definitions. 1] The act of devastating, destruction, and 2] Devastated state; desolation. Displayed on the same page as devastation is the verb "devastate," which also has two meaning. 1] To lay waste, destroy, 2] To overwhelm, confound, stun.

Both words hold a massive connotation to today's society. The word barely ripples in the pool of my soul and I think of the tragedies that we have suffered. The attacks on the Twin Towers, Hurricane Katrina, the Tsunami of 2oo4 that killed over 230,000 people. And those are just a few of the major ones. What about the Boston Red Sox fans that were devastated when their prized team didn't even make it to the World Series of 2oo9? What about the Philly's fans that were so sure they were going to win it? And even smaller than that. What about the man who was just diagnosed with AIDS? What about the father who just buried his mother? What about the girl who just found out her boyfriend is cheating on her? What about the boy who just got rejected from his first choice college? What about the woman who didn't get pregnant again? Devastation it seems, takes many forms.

I am sure that everyone who has the capabilities to read this blog has been devastated at sometime or another in their life. Me? I was devastated when my so-called "friends" betrayed me. I was devastated when my dog, a beautiful golden retriever named Logan, was diagnosed with cancer, and to save him, we had to have a very expensive surgery performed. I had just gotten into college, and my family couldn't afford it. To save the beloved dog from months of pain and suffering, we had him put to sleep. I was devastated, and worse, I believed it to be my fault. I was devastated when my first boyfriend and I broke up. I was devastated when my second boyfriend and I broke up. But these were all small devastation's (more like disappointments in retrospect) and eventually I got over them, but at the time, my heart felt like it would never be whole again.

I have a friend, who was let down by their friends. The individual in question, is devastated. They are all still friends, but that doesn't help the disappointment of expecting certain people do do certain things and then having them fall through. Without warning, devastation can strike. I actually just got off the phone with another friend of mine, who informed me that yesterday, they were involved in a terrible car accident. The friend in question, is fine but the others involved in the car accident are not fine by any means. I was told that as the accident happened, my friend happened to glance into the car of the person who caused the accident (the car in front of my friend swerved into the lane of oncoming traffic), and literally saw the individuals eyes roll into the back of their head. My friend found out later that the person that they observed fainting or whatever it may have been, died in the hospital. I was told that it was a boy. Not a man, but a boy. He will have to be buried by his parents. That is devastation right there. And the saddest part is, things like that happen every day and go unnoticed by people who aren't involved directly. How many times have you been sitting in your car and been passed by a funeral procession? Do you ever stop to think how that person died?

Death, I think, is the ultimate devastator. No one knows what happens after you die. No one can truly say for sure. Yes, we all have our opinions, heaven, hell, purgatory, nothing-- but the truth is, no one knows. There is nothing as dividing as death, and the devastation it leaves in it's wake has an invisible ripple effect that I feel, goes farther than people acknowledge. I don't know the boy who died in that car accident, but I feel for him. I feel sad for him, and his friends and family. True, I'm glad it wasn't my friend, because then it would be me feeling that direct devastation, but that boy is best friends to someone. And that boy has a mother, and father who love him. Maybe he has a sister, brother, girlfriend. I've lost people close to me to death. I know what that sorrow and devastation feels like.

Devastation is a word I think that people do not use lightly. When someone or something has been devastated you automatically know that something horrible has happened. The degree of devastation can be simple, or magnified intensely by the result of what has happened. Maybe people left behind will recover from it. Maybe they wont. The Tsunami of 2oo4? Not only were the people destroyed, but the land was devastated as well. The same thing goes for Hurricane Katrina. I believe, however, that things can come back better than they were before, if only given the chance to grow. (And yes, I recently watched Lion King 2: Simba's Pride, and if anyone else has watched it... you'll know the scene I've referenced.... and if you'd like to see it here is the link to the portion of the video, provided by Youtube.com: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cOIQapBLGM&feature=related . . . It's about a minute into this video.) People reached out to help in those tragic natural disasters.

And maybe it's not nature that does the devastation. Maybe it's a person. A man walks into a diner and kills 13 people and then himself (not an actual situation. . . that I know of ). His actions have devastated everyone who was there, everyone who is related to or know someone who was there. The ripple effect begins. The man who killed those people, his family is devastated by what he's done. Shocked and devastated. The people who know his family are devastated. The people that work with the man at his office job, are devastated. The people who work with the people he worked with, are devastated. The people he killed? The same goes for all of them. And of course now there's a news crew involved. Local news. Everyone in the town is devastated. A woman in her house realises that one of the people that was murdered worked at the grocery store she shops at and always bagged her groceries how she preferred, paper and plastic, without asking. Local news reaches to state news. The state is devastated. Someone twelve towns away realises that the man who shot those people, why... her sister dated him for a month in high school! State news reaches national news, as tragedies such as these always manage to do. The nation is devastated that one man could cause all this sorrow. Of course, degrees of sorrow will vary from person to person. The people who hear about it on the national news, they'll probably forget about it soon enough. The people in the state? It might remain in their memory for a while longer. But the people who were there-- the people who knew someone who was there, it may not fade from their memory for a long, long time.

But eventually people recover. Memories fade. Hatred and anger seems meaningless after such a long time. The wound has healed, and you never even noticed that the scar vanished. You just realise one day, that you're not angry anymore. That shit happens. And you can either learn from it, or dwell on it. Personally, I'd rather learn from the past and move on. What use is having an experience if it just halts your progress as a human being? Devastation, I'm sad to say, is something that I've come to discover as a part of life.

A cardinal flew into my window yesterday. Beautiful, crimson cardinal fell dead in the snow. His mate was in the dogwood tree in the front yard. She was there this morning when I woke up. She will be there all day. I will continue to see this widowed bird for weeks to come. I know I will. Cardinals mate for life. I can only imagine the devastation she must feel, having watched her scarlet soul mate die at the hands of transparency.

Devastation, small or large, is something I wish upon none of you. But having said it is a part of life, it will happen. It has happened. And I wish that for the future, when it happens again, you all know that there is a chance. A chance that what's left behind can grow better than the generation before. It just might take some time.

Worth

Today's word is an eager suggestion from a close friend of mine.

"Worth" is defined by Dictionary.com as a preposition and a noun. The preposition "worth" has three meanings, while the noun "worth" has eight. I've picked two of the three preposition meanings of "worth", and three of the eight definitions of the noun "worth." The definitions of preposition "worth" are 1] good or important enough to justify (what is specified), and 2] Having property to the value or amount of. The definitions for the noun "worth" are 1] excellence of character or quality commanding esteem, 2] Usefulness or importance, to the world, to a person, or for a purpose, and 3] a quantity of something as to a specified value.

Of course this time I've taken it a little bit further and cracked open my favored thick, red thesaurus [ Webster's New World Thesaurus, printed in 1985 from Prentice Hall Press] and turned to page eight hundred an thirty-six. Here, along side of "worth" is "worthless", "worthlessness", "worthwhile", and "worthy."

Who determines the worth of anything? An American dollar is worth four quarters. Twenty of those quarters equals the worth of a five dollar bill. Two five dollar bills are worth a ten dollar bill. But as i find myself going through my wallet, I snub the five ones and reach for the five. But they're worth the same, right? What about what I purchased? Is that large coffee and a bagel really worth five dollars? Is that pack of cigarettes worth it to the woman behind me in line? Is that pack of cigarettes worth the lung cancer she may or may not have to suffer through in the later years of her life?

What about your friends? My friends are people I value above all else. I do hope yours are the same. But would I pay my friend ten dollars to be my friend? Maybe once, yes, because I believe in quality over quantity, and having the experiences I've had with them, I know that they really are my friends. True-blue, right to the end friends. I'd loan them ten dollars if they asked, which I suppose says that they're worthy of receiving a loan from me. But would I pay them ten dollars every week to be my friend? What about every day? Ten dollars every day for the month of September [Thirty days] is equal to three hundred dollars! And since I'm doing math, ten dollars every day for a full six months, (and to be precise I've picked the months January, February [not in leap year], March, April, May and June. That's thirty-one days, twenty-eight days, thirty-one days, thirty days, thirty one days, and another thirty days.) is one thousand eight hundred dollars ($1800) to be my friend. And now think, what about a friend who has been your friend for many, many years? Quickly doing the math, a girl I've known for the majority of my life, I'll say eighteen years, for her to be my friend (again, I'm not including leap years), I would have paid her sixty-five thousand, eight hundred and eighty dollars ($65880). Now, I love my friend very, very much. But I'm not entirely sure I'd pay her nearly sixty-six thousand dollars to be my friend. That's nearly a year and a half's worth of tuition at my college!

Would you put ten dollars worth of value to your best friend? What about your significant other? Are they worth ten dollars? Ten dollars a week? Ten dollars a day? What if that was doubled? Quadrupled? How much are your friends worth? And remember, this is just one friend. This could easily be multiplied by five, ten, or even twenty. If friends were marketable products, costing ten dollars initially, and then ten dollars every week after that; How many friends would you buy?

What about a significant other? Supposedly people share with their significant others a special part of them that they don't exactly share with their other friends. Significant others would at least be twenty dollars "off the shelf." And once again, I love my boyfriend very much, but, sorry sweetie! I wouldn't pay for you. (That's because you're invaluable to me! Now all together everyone, "awwwwww!") But I suppose that's the beauty of friendship. Unless you're an incredibly horrible person, you don't really have to "buy your friends".

What about worth to yourself? How much is, say your computer, worth to you? I know people who would sell their souls to the devil himself (and I'm not exaggerating) to keep their computers. What about your cell phone? I'm a victim of it too. I hate not having my phone on me at all time. What about you? How much are YOU worth to yourself? Are you worth sitting with that horrible boyfriend/girlfriend who makes you feel like you're no more than dog poop on the bottom of their shoe? Are you worth that two-carat, potentially ten to fifteen thousand dollar ring sitting on an eighteen carat gold setting on your ring finger? Are you worth the cheap imitation handbag meant to mimic a Chanel, or Gucci? Do you think you're worth the real thing? Is that Chanel purse really worth the eight-hundred dollars that you or someone you love paid for it? Is a painful divorce worth the twenty years of marriage, kids and home?

The friend who suggested this word to me later used it in a conversation we were having. They said they felt "worthy". Out of context it could mean anything, and I'm not the type to divulge personal conversations to the world, but the way "worthy" was used. . . all I could really think of was that the "worth" that was felt was "worthless". And only they will know why.

What worth do you put on the things around you? Maybe you wouldn't pay for a friend. In this society, we don't have to (thank goodness, or else I'd be in a world of debt!), but perhaps, what about life worth? Would you jump in front of a bus and push your best friend out of the way, thus ending your own life and saving theirs? What if it was your spouse? Mother? Father? Brother? Sister? Are their lives, their existences worth ending your own life? And would you do it for the sheer thought that you love them and care about them? Or would it be done so you could be proclaimed a hero? Or would you not do it at all? Would that mean that they are "worthless" to you? What if it was your child, and if you did so, you'd be leaving them an orphan?

"Worth" is a very funny word indeed. Not only does it look and sound funny (maybe that's because I've been saying it a lot and looking at it frequently), but it has a funny meaning. Who determines worth? Worth of money. Worth of friendship. Worth of loyalty. Worth of love. Love worth a fifteen thousand dollar ring, and a twenty-seven thousand dollar wedding plus a twelve thousand dollar honeymoon in the Florida Keys (and that's going small, mind you). Is that burger and fries you're eating really worth the advertised price of $2.99? Is it worth the ten miles or one hundred and fifty minutes you'd have to walk/jog to burn it off? Or is it worth the heart attack in five years while you're walking to the car to go and get your kids from soccer practice?

Do you determine "worth?" Do I? Does the government decide when it puts the equal weight of gold behind the paper that we use as currency everyday? What if there isn't enough gold? What if there is too much "paper?" (Yes, I'm aware this would equal a depression.) We take things for granted everyday. Job. Home. Friends. Love. Hate. But what if everything had a value to it? Would some people be "worth" more than others? What if you had to pay a small fee (not your time!) to keep your job and continue making money so you could spend it on wife, husband, children, home, etc?

To me? My friends and loved ones are worth everything. Without them, I feel like life would be quite "worthless". Maybe because I'm not a person built to be a solitary individual. I like people. I like the odd quirks and personalities. I like the variety of individuals, the dark and light within each person. My cat, Poe, is worth a lot to me. He's a darling little boy and a misbehaving little mischief maker, but I love him. School is worth a lot to me, as is my aspiration to become a novelist. Drama is "worthless" to me. Fighting over stupid issues is not "worth" my time, which I could be spending doing other things other than creating bad memories. Spiders are "worthless" to me. But that's only because the creepy critters scare the crud out of me! I consider star-gazing "worthwhile", much like I consider the time sitting on the couch and watching re-runs of Fantasy Factory with my boyfriend "worthwhile." I consider reading and writing "worthy" of my time and dedication.

Curiosity killed the cat, but the cat had nine lives, and I'm getting "curiouser and curiouser". What is "worth" a lot to you? What is "worthless?" What is "worthwhile"? Is it that hike up the mountain in the dark to see the sunrise? Is it that pack of cigarettes you've been trying to knock the habit of buying every day? Is it your best friend? Your mother? Your child? I'm curious. Please, tell me what's "worthy" to you.