Monday, March 1, 2010


I'm in a pretty morose downward spiral, if you couldn't tell. So today I'm going to talk about the big "r" word. Regret.

Regret is a feeling. It's a verb used with an object, and it's also a noun. The verb "regret" means 1] to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.)and 2] to think of with a sense of loss. Noun "regret" means 1] a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, 2] a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc, 3] a note expressing regret at one's inability to accept an invitation.

Regret is a feeling you get when you've screwed something up. You regret not taking your childhood lightly. You regret not studying for that test last week, or paying attention in class while you were reviewing for said test. You regret eating that piece of cake because it was your resolution not to eat sweets. You can regret a lot of things, but my question stands to be judged: Can you really regret something, because at one time, it was exactly what you wanted, wasn't it?

That cake? You wanted to eat it. So you did. Is it a lack of self control that drove you to eat the cake? You regret it afterwords because you're disappointed in yourself. But was the cake so bad? Now, if you eat the cake, and then eat the cookies and the muffins too, I'd call that a serious problem with a lack of self control.

What about a relationship? Girl and boy break up. It's tragic, and hard to deal with. Girl may have messed up pretty badly, but she can't regret any of her actions because she was trying to fix it. Yes, in her attempt to fix things, she ended up creating a disaster that not only humiliated herself, but angered boy beyond all reason, but does she regret it? Considering this is me we're talking about, I'll take the liberty of answering this not so hypothetical question.

No. I don't regret it. The relationship with boy was wonderful, fantastic, and everything I could have ever asked for. I learned a lot from him, and a lot about myself. I may have destroyed everything in the end, with no possible hope of reviving... well hell, anything to do with him ever again, but I don't regret it. I regret some of the things I said in the heat of the moment, but from that I learned to think before I speak, something that I apparently failed miserably at learning in my younger years. I regret trying to make him jealous, which incidentally just backfired on me and made me realize what a freaking (and my apologies ladies) catty, backstabbing girl I can be. Which isn't who, or what, I ever wanted to portray myself as. So now that I know, I can change it. I regret taking boy for granted and thinking he would always be there for me, but I learned from it not to take anyone, not even someone who promises the world on a golden platter inlaid with marvelous jewels for granted.

Some of these realizations may be too late to fix anything with that boy. But it wasn't, isn't too late to fix myself, fix my life, and make a new start. Someone wise once told me that everyone gets a pair of training wings. I've used mine all up. Now it's time to strap on the big boys. So I'm hoping that all my readers will lean from my mistakes, and know that you don't have to make the same ones. I regret a lot, but truly? I needed to mess up that bad so I can fix it before it really is too late. So even though I feel terrible about what happened? I don't really regret anything at all. I loved. I lost. But at least I got the chance to love with all my heart. Some people don't even get that chance, and I was truly lucky to have experienced what I would sincerly consider "true love". Even if it did end.

Boy: If you ever read this, I am truly sorry. And I wont forget. I'll still make you proud of me. I wont be another mistake. So if you can, smile at me one day, just to let me know that maybe? One day? It'll be okay again.