Monday, March 1, 2010


I'm in a pretty morose downward spiral, if you couldn't tell. So today I'm going to talk about the big "r" word. Regret.

Regret is a feeling. It's a verb used with an object, and it's also a noun. The verb "regret" means 1] to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.)and 2] to think of with a sense of loss. Noun "regret" means 1] a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, 2] a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc, 3] a note expressing regret at one's inability to accept an invitation.

Regret is a feeling you get when you've screwed something up. You regret not taking your childhood lightly. You regret not studying for that test last week, or paying attention in class while you were reviewing for said test. You regret eating that piece of cake because it was your resolution not to eat sweets. You can regret a lot of things, but my question stands to be judged: Can you really regret something, because at one time, it was exactly what you wanted, wasn't it?

That cake? You wanted to eat it. So you did. Is it a lack of self control that drove you to eat the cake? You regret it afterwords because you're disappointed in yourself. But was the cake so bad? Now, if you eat the cake, and then eat the cookies and the muffins too, I'd call that a serious problem with a lack of self control.

What about a relationship? Girl and boy break up. It's tragic, and hard to deal with. Girl may have messed up pretty badly, but she can't regret any of her actions because she was trying to fix it. Yes, in her attempt to fix things, she ended up creating a disaster that not only humiliated herself, but angered boy beyond all reason, but does she regret it? Considering this is me we're talking about, I'll take the liberty of answering this not so hypothetical question.

No. I don't regret it. The relationship with boy was wonderful, fantastic, and everything I could have ever asked for. I learned a lot from him, and a lot about myself. I may have destroyed everything in the end, with no possible hope of reviving... well hell, anything to do with him ever again, but I don't regret it. I regret some of the things I said in the heat of the moment, but from that I learned to think before I speak, something that I apparently failed miserably at learning in my younger years. I regret trying to make him jealous, which incidentally just backfired on me and made me realize what a freaking (and my apologies ladies) catty, backstabbing girl I can be. Which isn't who, or what, I ever wanted to portray myself as. So now that I know, I can change it. I regret taking boy for granted and thinking he would always be there for me, but I learned from it not to take anyone, not even someone who promises the world on a golden platter inlaid with marvelous jewels for granted.

Some of these realizations may be too late to fix anything with that boy. But it wasn't, isn't too late to fix myself, fix my life, and make a new start. Someone wise once told me that everyone gets a pair of training wings. I've used mine all up. Now it's time to strap on the big boys. So I'm hoping that all my readers will lean from my mistakes, and know that you don't have to make the same ones. I regret a lot, but truly? I needed to mess up that bad so I can fix it before it really is too late. So even though I feel terrible about what happened? I don't really regret anything at all. I loved. I lost. But at least I got the chance to love with all my heart. Some people don't even get that chance, and I was truly lucky to have experienced what I would sincerly consider "true love". Even if it did end.

Boy: If you ever read this, I am truly sorry. And I wont forget. I'll still make you proud of me. I wont be another mistake. So if you can, smile at me one day, just to let me know that maybe? One day? It'll be okay again.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


Change. It's the coins in your pocket left over from your last purchase. You do it when you put different clothes on. "Hey, let's do something different for a change," you'll say to a friend as you sit on the couch and watch re-runs on TV. You watch a character in a movie plead with their departing lover, "Please don't go, I'll change!"

Change probably has more definitions that I would care to count. It's a noun, and a verb. Verb "Change" means 1] to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone 2] to transform or convert 3] to substitute another or others for; exchange for something else, usually of the same kind 4] to give and take reciprocally; interchange 5] to transfer from one (conveyance) to another 6] to give or get foreign money in exchange for. 7] to become different 8] to become altered or modified. And Noun "Change" has more meanings! 1] the act or fact of changing; fact of being changed 2] a variation or deviation 3] the substitution of one thing for another... the list goes on and on.

Change. How strange it seems. Every day on the new year we resolve to change something about our old lives. Quit smoking. Lose weight. Run more. Those things are so trivial though... okay maybe not the smoking as that can eventually kill you... and if you're obese the weight thing might be in the same category... but what I'm really trying to get at here is the real deal. Change. We do it. Or say we do, but what happens when you promise change, either to yourself or someone else, and you never do it? You stab them in the back, that's what. You hurt yourself, and you hurt other people. You say you'll do something, hopefully for the better, because that's what I associate change with... you change, for the better, because who the hell would want to change for the worse? But it happens. People change over time. Grow comfortable with each other. Let slip the things they shouldn't. And then one day you're staring at the person sitting across from you wondering when they got they way they are and how come you didn't notice sooner that you don't agree with how they are now. How do you handle that? It slaps you in the face, and then you're left wondering what the hell happened and when and why you missed the neon flashing sign that maybe could have stopped everything... and what if it's you? What if the person you're staring at is your own damned reflection and suddenly you realize you can't stand what you see?

You change. You're disgusted with yourself. Why would you want to stay that way? This is YOUR life. You change. You get off of one train, and onto the other. But it's really not that easy. Habits are hard to break. Quitting smoking is heard to do. Not eating that delicious cheeseburger from McHeartAttacks? It's hard to do. Running that mile when you're out of breath after five minutes is hard to do. Changing yourself from the inside out? I find it's nearly impossible. Unless you have no other choice. Then you have to do it. It's either that or be someone you hate for the rest of existence. You change in hopes that you can have another chance at all the things you screwed up in. That job interview where you forgot to take your gauges out and didn't iron your shirt? You'll change it, go back, and try again. Worst case scenario? You don't go back to the same place, but find yourself in a similar situation in the future. An opportunity re-presenting itself father on down the line. You changed for that chance, for that moment where you look someone in the eye and you can think to yourself, "I did it", and hope that they know that you did. That you are. Change doesn't happen over night, it's far too complex for that, but change can happen.

You BEGIN to CHANGE because you're WORTH it. Because you'd be DEVASTATED if you didn't. Because FORGIVENESS is what we as a species seek. Because in REALITY, you don't want to HATE yourself. You want to LOVE yourself, and be loved by others. You CONTINUE to change because its not something that you can stop doing, if you do stop, then you never really started to begin with, did you? If in the end, change is all you have to do? Then it's really not so hard, now is it?

So drop the cigarette. Put down the cheeseburger. Take a drink of water, and finish running that mile. Do it for yourself. Do it for the ones you love.

Even if you cant go back, you can keep going forward, and who knows? Maybe you'll cross paths with something later on in life and realize that this is why you changed in the first place.

Sunday, February 14, 2010


Begin. Continue. End. You do it every day. You start something. You endure it. You end it. How do you decide what to continue though? How do you know what's best for you? Or do you ignore what's best for you and do what's best for other people?

Continue is defined in the dictionary as a verb meaning 1] to go on after suspension or interruption, 2] to go on or keep on, as in some course or action, 3] to last or endure, and 4]to remain in a place; abide; stay.

Continue. It sounds so easy. You start something. For example, a sport. You've played your entire life, and you go to college, on a grant for this particular sport. You're on the team, but you've been benched. You sit on the bench for a whole season. You understand, you were a freshman. You continue to go to practice. You continue to show up, and be a reliable teammate in the hopes that you'll play soon. Season two. Benched. You know you're better than some of the people in the game, but you're still benched. What to do? Quit because things aren't going well for you? You're not playing, but maybe deserve to. Do you continue to endure the shame of being benched game after game? You've put your whole life into this, and now it's judgement day. You have two choices. End or continue. How do you decide?

Okay, lets get a little deeper. Relationship. Love. Been dating for a while now. You love each other, but it's hard (aren't all relationships?) and you don't know if you're happy anymore. Or worse, you don't know if your significant other is happy anymore. You've got memories, you've got mutual friends, family, etc. Ending this relationship will be devastating to you, to your significant other. But there's a chance that if you stuck together, continue your relationship, that things can get better. Hold on or let go? Do you give up on each other, call it quits and work on being alone? Do you stick together and have faith, have trust that you can fix it, work through the problems? Let's escalate it a little bit. Now this isn't just a relationship, this is a marriage. This is house, kids, pets, the whole deal. This is more than just a few months of being with someone. This is years. This is life. It gets more complicated, eh?

How do you make choices like that? Do you do what's best for you? What's best for them? How do you decide? Lists of pros and cons? Talking? Being alone and just making a sole decision. Me? Believing in the best is something I struggle with. Right now? I can't decide what to continue, what to end. I'm scared that if I let go, I'm letting go forever, and I will never be able to get back what I have. If it were up to me, I would suffer through the misery of fighting and work on being together. I feel like giving up all the memories, the company, the love... none of it is worth it. None of those wonderful things are worth giving up for some hard times.

Back to the sports team. I have a friend. Okay, I have two friends. And both of them are in that situation. One of the friends quit the team. The other one hasn't. The one who hasn't says, "I've put too much into this to give up now." The one that did said that he loved it, but it just didn't matter as much to him. I doubt it was an easy decision for him to make, but in the end he did, and I would believe that he's happier now than he was when he was benched on the sidelines.

How do you decide to continue? Continue ever single day? What if you're at the very bottom, looking up, wondering how you'll ever get up there again? What if it looks so hopeless, that you don't know what to do? You don't know whether or not to keep breathing let alone keep doing the things you've been doing all along... Every thing's gone wrong, and when you look at it from a different perspective? You did it to yourself. How do you live with yourself? Here, 'Continuing' gets pretty tricky. If you stop 'continuing', you've decided to stop living. This decision doesn't affect just you now. Now this affects your parents, sister, brother, friends. It gets to people who see you on the bus everyday. That lady at the bookstore who smiles at you when you come in every week. It's the friend that you sit next to in class. How do you decide to take yourself away from them? And if you do decide to do so... how do you know that things weren't going to get better? What if you kill yourself, and the next day you were going to sit in class and something would happen that would have changed everything?

Start. Continue.


Sunday, February 7, 2010


It's been a while. Sorry about that. Got caught up in a lot of different things.

So today's word is "Naive." Naive is a adjective with four meanings. 1]having or showing unaffected simplicity of nature or absence of artificiality; unsophisticated; ingenuous. 2] having or showing a lack of experience, judgment, or information; credulous. 3] having or marked by a simple, unaffectedly direct style reflecting little or no formal training or technique and 4] not having previously been the subject of a scientific experiment, as an animal.

So I've realized that I am naive. I am naive to many things that I was under the impression that I was well versed in. I am naive to relationships, romantic and otherwise. I am naive to how I act, and the mental workings of others. I am naive.

Naive is an attribute of the first Tarot card, The fool. He looks up at the sky whilst he should be looking where he's walking. He represents new experiences, and infinite possibilities. He also represents caution to the future, and is a warning card that tells you to stop daydreaming and get your head out of the clouds. He is naive to the snake, the cliff, the many depictions of pitfalls that he may be subject to.

I often wonder if naivety is innocence or if it's stupidity. If you are shown the worst of someone, and still believe them to be a good person, are you stupid? Innocent? A good person? Or are you just ignorant? The first definition of "Naive" says that being thus means you're unsophisticated. I wouldn't consider myself an unsophisticated person. I go to college, and I do pretty well. I read wonderful books, and understand words that some people don't. I am by no means a genius, but I am educated, and polite. I can voice my opinion, and I can reason with people. I have good manners, and friends that can vouch for my character. Yet I am naive.

Is naivety something you can outgrow? Is it implanted in your brain as something that you will always be? I always give people another chance. I have been stepped on, yelled at, hated, and worse, and in the end, I always give people another chance. Am I naive to think that talking things out can change things? Am I naive to say that it wont happen again?

What about the wrongs I've done to others? I am convinced that once I know a fault about myself, it's something I can and will change. It wont be easy, but I have faith that I can and will do it. Is it naive of me to think that I can even when I think others cant? Is it stupid of me to give others a chance and not give myself one?

I question frequently the things I write. I have an idea, and I start. I type my thoughts, and ponder them. You, as my reader, experience the progression of my thoughts, my stream of consciousness. Am I naive to think that getting my thoughts out there even matters to you? I've gone back and read things I've written and realized that sometimes, I don't even state my opinion, I just ponder what things are and why.

Naive. Why is naivety associated with stupidity? Is it really stupid to believe in the best of people?

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


Hope is a messed up thing. You sit there and know that hope is all you have, and that even then, you don’t know if hope is even enough. You try not to get your hopes up because you know its unrealistic, and you know you’re going to be devastated (there’s that word again!) when things don’t go as you hope they do.

Hope is defined by as being both a verb and a noun. Verb "hope" means 1] to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence. 2] To believe, desire, or trust. Noun "hope" means 1] the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. 2] Grounds for this feeling in a particular instance. 3] Something that is hoped for.

Now, this feeling of ours. Hope. It's a tease really. You sit there and you think, "He'll call me", or "This fight will end soon", and what you're really doing is telling yourself something that yes, stops you from bawling your eyes out like the hoover dam just broke, but you're lying to yourself. Lying by default, since you don't really know what the outcome will be anyways.

What about hopes and dreams? Me? I hope to be a novelist someday. I hope that certain things turn out "okay" in the end. And I'm sitting here telling myself, "If it's not okay, it's not the end." And I can't tell if that's some sick mantra I've been taught to say to keep my mind from exploding from all the emotional pressure, or if it's the truth. It's something I hope will be correct. But then again, there are different types of endings too. So that's a whole other can of worms that... maybe one day I'll open.

Hope. Hope is supposed to be something that gets you by in trouble times. Hope is also a synonym of trust. Trust. Ha. So when you hope for something you "trust" that it will happen. What if that "trust" is broken? What if what you think will happen doesn't happen at all? Then you're sitting there empty handed saying, "Gee, thanks a lot "hope!""

Not to say that Trust and Hope are entirely related, but they are sort of similar. Me? I have trust issue. Does that mean I have Hope issues too? Because I'm pretty sure that my heart is overflowing with all sorts of hope right now. Hope for the future. Hope for today. Hope for right now. Hope that you're reading this. Hope that you wont forget me. Hope that I'll stay with you. Hope that you'll come back again.

In the end though? All I have is hope until I see what happens next. So give me a little hope people. What are your thoughts?

Monday, January 25, 2010


You know what? Today's word is hate. Hate is something so frequently said, I'd actually reference the previous blog about the word "forever", and say it falls in the same category. defines hate as a verb meaning 1] to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest, 2] to be unwilling; dislike. It is also a noun that means the same thing.

Hate. You probably say it without even thinking about it. "I hate this dress", " I hate the way my boyfriend treats me", "I hate the way he talks", "I hate my professor", hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. It's all around us. "I hate this war", "I hate the people who performed 9/11".

Hate. It even sounds good. Hate. It's a harsh word that just bites at you. You hear "hate" and even if you don't know what it means, I think you'd know that it wasn't something good. Hate. It rolls off the tongu. Hate. You hate things you don't know, you hate things you haven't tried in a long time.

Me? I hate peas. They're nasty. I like them raw, I like them in the pod, and I like wasabi peas, but I hate cooked peas. They're nasty to me. They taste like vomit. I haven't eaten peas since I was probably around five or six years old. I don't really know if I still hate them or if I just hate them with my five or six year old memory of hating them.

Hate. When you hate something, do you really mean you HATE it? Or do you just mean that you don't particularly care for it? Today, it was raining. I walked through a small river/ocean to get to class. My shoes filled with puddles and I was a sewer rat. It was bad, no joke. I got to class and sat down and said to the girl next to me, "I hate the rain." But it's not true. I don't hate the rain. I actually like rain. Warm rain in the summer is my favorite. Rain gives life to all we know on earth. Without rain... everything as we know it would die. Life would cease to exist. I don't hate the rain. I don't even hate being caught in it. I disliked having to walk to class in it. I disliked not having proper footwear, and I definitly disliked the fact that I had to sit in class smelling like a wet dog for two hours, but I don't hate the rain.

Hate. It's a great word. I love the word hate. But remember. Hate is easy. Love takes courage.

Sunday, January 24, 2010


What does it mean to "have heart?" Every person has a heart. How come our emotions are symbolized by the heart, and not the brain, which is in fact where are emotions are controlled and stored? Why don't we say I [insert brain image here] NY? Or whatever/whoever it is that you :heart:? The heart is actually just a muscle in our bodies hat pumps blood through the rest of our system. So why does IT symbolize all that we love?

Heart is defined by as a noun. 1] Anatomy. a hollow, pump like organ of blood circulation, composed mainly of rhythmically contractile smooth muscle, located in the chest between the lungs and slightly to the left and consisting of four chambers: a right atrium that receives blood returning from the body via the superior and inferior vena cavae, a right ventricle that pumps the blood through the pulmonary artery to the lungs for oxygenation, a left atrium that receives the oxygenated blood via the pulmonary veins and passes it through the mitral valve, and a left ventricle that pumps the oxygenated blood, via the aorta, throughout the body.2]the center of the total personality, esp. with reference to intuition, feeling, or emotion. 3] the center of emotion, esp. as contrasted to the head as the center of the intellect. 4] spirit, courage, or enthusiasm, There are more, but these are just a few that I feel are the essential ones to know, since we're all aware of what a heart ( <3 ) is shaped like.

When I write, I put all my heart into it. I said that the other day, and I found myself contemplating what I said. Really, my heart had nothing to do with what I was writing. The story came from an idea, and ideas are in my brain. Not my heart. So do I put all my brain into my writing? Somehow that just doesn't sound appealing, even if it is true.

What about when someone "loses heart?" You can't really lose your heart. If you do, you die. Losing heart means that you've lost the will/spirit to do something. Recently, someone I know quit a group. Then, yesterday, the individual in question came back and said that he'd be willing to participate if he was still wanted. Now this next part hasn't happened yet, but I'm pretty sure it will happen. The group in question said that they don't mess around, and that the individual who quit had "lost heart" and that they didn't need that. They'd found someone new, and it was his loss.

What about me? I stop writing many stories in the beginning for one reason or another. Does that mean that I've "lost heart" for what I'm passionate about? I doubt it. I think that I just had an idea, and wrote it down, but didn't fully think it through. And that relates back to the individual who quit the group. What if he just didn't think leaving the group through? What if he realized he did want it and he just messed up. We've been over it a few times already, "To err is human."

How in the world is it that the heart ended up representing romance? The iconic heart is a cute shape that does not in the least resemble the actual organ. How did the heart (organ and icon) represent love? I would assume that love is something that is felt, and as I said earlier, the brain is in control of our emotions. Not the heart, icon or organ. I mean sure, when I snuggle with my boyfriend and he kisses me I can feel my heart race. But all that is, is a physical reaction to something my brain does. It would be the same if I had just sprinted 100 yards. says that the heart is the center of emotion. I've never been lied to but the dictionary before. The heart is not the center of emotion. A portion of the brain called the Prefrontal Cortex, or even the Deep Limbic System, which is where all our previous emotions are stored. Once again, the heart is an organ that pumps blood through our bodies. Yes, it can react to our emotions, but it is not the center, and it does not control them.