Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Change

Change. It's the coins in your pocket left over from your last purchase. You do it when you put different clothes on. "Hey, let's do something different for a change," you'll say to a friend as you sit on the couch and watch re-runs on TV. You watch a character in a movie plead with their departing lover, "Please don't go, I'll change!"

Change probably has more definitions that I would care to count. It's a noun, and a verb. Verb "Change" means 1] to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone 2] to transform or convert 3] to substitute another or others for; exchange for something else, usually of the same kind 4] to give and take reciprocally; interchange 5] to transfer from one (conveyance) to another 6] to give or get foreign money in exchange for. 7] to become different 8] to become altered or modified. And Noun "Change" has more meanings! 1] the act or fact of changing; fact of being changed 2] a variation or deviation 3] the substitution of one thing for another... the list goes on and on.

Change. How strange it seems. Every day on the new year we resolve to change something about our old lives. Quit smoking. Lose weight. Run more. Those things are so trivial though... okay maybe not the smoking as that can eventually kill you... and if you're obese the weight thing might be in the same category... but what I'm really trying to get at here is the real deal. Change. We do it. Or say we do, but what happens when you promise change, either to yourself or someone else, and you never do it? You stab them in the back, that's what. You hurt yourself, and you hurt other people. You say you'll do something, hopefully for the better, because that's what I associate change with... you change, for the better, because who the hell would want to change for the worse? But it happens. People change over time. Grow comfortable with each other. Let slip the things they shouldn't. And then one day you're staring at the person sitting across from you wondering when they got they way they are and how come you didn't notice sooner that you don't agree with how they are now. How do you handle that? It slaps you in the face, and then you're left wondering what the hell happened and when and why you missed the neon flashing sign that maybe could have stopped everything... and what if it's you? What if the person you're staring at is your own damned reflection and suddenly you realize you can't stand what you see?

You change. You're disgusted with yourself. Why would you want to stay that way? This is YOUR life. You change. You get off of one train, and onto the other. But it's really not that easy. Habits are hard to break. Quitting smoking is heard to do. Not eating that delicious cheeseburger from McHeartAttacks? It's hard to do. Running that mile when you're out of breath after five minutes is hard to do. Changing yourself from the inside out? I find it's nearly impossible. Unless you have no other choice. Then you have to do it. It's either that or be someone you hate for the rest of existence. You change in hopes that you can have another chance at all the things you screwed up in. That job interview where you forgot to take your gauges out and didn't iron your shirt? You'll change it, go back, and try again. Worst case scenario? You don't go back to the same place, but find yourself in a similar situation in the future. An opportunity re-presenting itself father on down the line. You changed for that chance, for that moment where you look someone in the eye and you can think to yourself, "I did it", and hope that they know that you did. That you are. Change doesn't happen over night, it's far too complex for that, but change can happen.

You BEGIN to CHANGE because you're WORTH it. Because you'd be DEVASTATED if you didn't. Because FORGIVENESS is what we as a species seek. Because in REALITY, you don't want to HATE yourself. You want to LOVE yourself, and be loved by others. You CONTINUE to change because its not something that you can stop doing, if you do stop, then you never really started to begin with, did you? If in the end, change is all you have to do? Then it's really not so hard, now is it?

So drop the cigarette. Put down the cheeseburger. Take a drink of water, and finish running that mile. Do it for yourself. Do it for the ones you love.

Even if you cant go back, you can keep going forward, and who knows? Maybe you'll cross paths with something later on in life and realize that this is why you changed in the first place.

2 comments:

Laura said...

I love your use of all the words used as topic in one of your concluding paragraphs of "CHANGE". Very beautifully written.

Also, the entry itself was wonderful. Though I wonder if the focus should be not so much in changing oneself completely, but finding the best parts of yourself and focusing on harnessing that to make your life happy and full. Of course be wary of the things that you dislike about yourself so that those faults don't destroy your happiness, but don't be someone else. Because, love and happiness comes from loving someone for not only their best qualities, but their worst ones--not loving someone despite their unfavorable traits. Everything. All inclusive.

After all, to only accept for the better parts isn't REAL. It's real if you can spend both the best day and the worst day with that person and think at the end of both "I love you."

This especially goes with loving yourself. Know that you will always have weaknesses to your strengths, but the combination is what makes you who you are. And although you may want to change yourself every so often, you are who you are. So love yourself, love life, and live it the best you can.

WordMonger said...

Laura, I love you. =]